1
00:01:13,552 --> 00:01:17,339
Give us your tired, your poor,

2
00:01:17,340 --> 00:01:22,143
your huddled masses
yearning to breathe free...

3
00:01:22,144 --> 00:01:24,496
and looking for
a government handout,

4
00:01:24,497 --> 00:01:27,499
a free lunch
and a dental plan too...

5
00:01:27,500 --> 00:01:31,185
the wretched refuse
of your teeming shore,

6
00:01:31,186 --> 00:01:33,622
your unwashed yellows
and browns

7
00:01:33,623 --> 00:01:35,624
and all colors
in between,

8
00:01:35,625 --> 00:01:39,276
Jews and gentiles,
Muslims and Hindus

9
00:01:39,277 --> 00:01:42,897
and anyone else
with funny hats,

10
00:01:42,898 --> 00:01:45,433
and we will make fun
of them.

11
00:01:49,505 --> 00:01:52,424
And now
the white ladies.

12
00:01:55,294 --> 00:01:58,296
Gosh, Nancy, I just
don't know what to do.

13
00:01:58,297 --> 00:02:00,264
What's the matter, Sue?

14
00:02:00,265 --> 00:02:02,667
Last week a man moved
into the house next door,

15
00:02:02,668 --> 00:02:05,703
and he's African-American.
But when we were introduced,

16
00:02:05,704 --> 00:02:08,939
I wasn't overcome with feelings
of rage or animal fear.

17
00:02:08,940 --> 00:02:12,327
Gee, sue, sounds like you've met
a non-threatening black man.

18
00:02:12,328 --> 00:02:14,695
A non-threatening black man?
What's that?

19
00:02:14,696 --> 00:02:16,380
A male negro
who fails to trigger

20
00:02:16,381 --> 00:02:19,233
the customary fight-or-flight
response in Caucasian women

21
00:02:19,234 --> 00:02:22,403
due to his nonspecific physical
and socio-cultural attributes,

22
00:02:22,404 --> 00:02:24,722
like Al Roker
or Bryant Gumbel.

23
00:02:24,723 --> 00:02:28,426
But if he's a non-threatening black
man, why isn't he a newscaster?

24
00:02:28,427 --> 00:02:32,013
Oh, Sue, not every non-threatening
black man is a newscaster.

25
00:02:32,014 --> 00:02:34,615
Some of them work in
advertising and politics.

26
00:02:34,616 --> 00:02:35,917
Is that allowed?

27
00:02:35,918 --> 00:02:37,202
In some states.

28
00:02:37,203 --> 00:02:39,470
Gosh, this is all
so confusing.

29
00:02:39,471 --> 00:02:40,939
What should I do?

30
00:02:40,940 --> 00:02:43,024
Move. He may be
non-threatening to you,

31
00:02:43,025 --> 00:02:45,176
but your property values
won't know the difference.

32
00:02:45,177 --> 00:02:48,746
You're right. I'll go home and
start packing right away.

33
00:02:48,747 --> 00:02:51,048
But what'll
I tell the kids?

34
00:02:51,049 --> 00:02:53,901
Tell them to fear people
who are different.

35
00:02:53,902 --> 00:02:56,154
Thanks, Nancy.

36
00:02:56,155 --> 00:02:58,689
What would I do
without you?

37
00:02:58,690 --> 00:03:00,708
And now please join us

38
00:03:00,709 --> 00:03:02,710
in the singing
of our national anthem,

39
00:03:02,711 --> 00:03:06,080
performed today by
international recording artist

40
00:03:06,081 --> 00:03:10,151
and fourth runner-up in the
miss Newark beauty pageant

41
00:03:10,152 --> 00:03:12,904
miss Tarnishe D'Silver.

42
00:03:12,905 --> 00:03:14,873
Ahem.

43
00:03:16,842 --> 00:03:20,011
<i>♪ Oh say ♪</i>

44
00:03:20,012 --> 00:03:22,313
<i>♪ can you ♪</i>

45
00:03:22,314 --> 00:03:26,851
<i>♪ see ♪</i>

46
00:03:26,852 --> 00:03:29,520
<i>♪ by the dawn's ♪</i>

47
00:03:29,521 --> 00:03:31,522
<i>♪ early ♪</i>

48
00:03:31,523 --> 00:03:38,362
<i>♪ light ♪</i>

49
00:03:38,363 --> 00:03:40,731
<i>♪ light light ♪</i>

50
00:03:40,732 --> 00:03:45,469
<i>♪ light ♪</i>

51
00:03:45,470 --> 00:03:49,473
<i>♪ the dawn's so
fucking early in the morning ♪</i>

52
00:03:49,474 --> 00:03:52,443
<i>♪ the dawn is
too fucking early ♪</i>

53
00:03:52,444 --> 00:03:57,081
<i>♪ in the morning ♪</i>

54
00:03:57,082 --> 00:04:00,051
<i>♪ and this light,
this light... ♪</i>

55
00:04:00,052 --> 00:04:02,620
<i>♪ bom bom bom ♪</i>

56
00:04:02,621 --> 00:04:06,423
<i>♪ dip-dip
Dee bom bom bom ♪</i>

57
00:04:06,424 --> 00:04:09,961
<i>♪ dip-dip Dee
bom bom bom ♪</i>

58
00:04:09,962 --> 00:04:11,929
<i>♪ dip-dip Dee bom ♪</i>

59
00:04:11,930 --> 00:04:14,799
<i>♪ wah wah wah ooh ♪</i>

60
00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:17,302
<i>♪ bom bom bom ♪</i>

61
00:04:17,303 --> 00:04:20,905
<i>♪ dip-dip
Dee bom bom bom ♪</i>

62
00:04:20,906 --> 00:04:24,576
<i>♪ dip-dip Dee
bom bom bom ♪</i>

63
00:04:24,577 --> 00:04:26,611
<i>♪ dip-dip Dee bom ♪</i>

64
00:04:26,612 --> 00:04:29,146
<i>♪ wah wah wah ooh ♪</i>

65
00:04:29,147 --> 00:04:31,649
<i>♪ bom bom bom ♪</i>

66
00:04:31,650 --> 00:04:35,253
<i>♪ dip-dip
Dee bom bom bom ♪</i>

67
00:04:35,254 --> 00:04:39,023
<i>♪ dip-dip Dee
bom bom bom ♪</i>

68
00:04:39,024 --> 00:04:40,958
<i>♪ dip-dip Dee bom ♪</i>

69
00:04:40,959 --> 00:04:43,661
<i>♪ wah wah wah ooh ♪</i>

70
00:04:58,477 --> 00:05:01,012
<i>♪ bom bom bom ♪</i>

71
00:05:01,013 --> 00:05:04,616
<i>♪ dip-dip
Dee bom bom bom ♪</i>

72
00:05:04,617 --> 00:05:08,285
<i>♪ dip-dip Dee
bom bom bom ♪</i>

73
00:05:08,286 --> 00:05:10,321
<i>♪ dip-dip Dee bom ♪</i>

74
00:05:10,322 --> 00:05:12,824
<i>♪ wah wah wah ooh. ♪</i>

75
00:05:39,268 --> 00:05:41,619
Well now, mister,

76
00:05:41,620 --> 00:05:44,489
are you ready to behave
yourself like a good little boy

77
00:05:44,490 --> 00:05:46,507
and join the rest
of the class?

78
00:05:46,508 --> 00:05:48,509
Well, I'm ready,

79
00:05:48,510 --> 00:05:52,246
but can I ask you
a question?

80
00:05:52,247 --> 00:05:54,398
Yes, Charlie.
What is it?

81
00:05:54,399 --> 00:05:57,935
What does a priest get
when he wants pussy?

82
00:05:57,936 --> 00:06:00,120
What?

83
00:06:00,121 --> 00:06:02,223
Nun.
Get it?

84
00:06:02,224 --> 00:06:04,175
Shit!
Fuck!

85
00:06:04,176 --> 00:06:06,093
Jesus!
Ah, Christ!

86
00:06:06,094 --> 00:06:08,296
Ass rape! Help!

87
00:06:08,297 --> 00:06:11,181
I said quit it,
you dyke!

88
00:06:11,182 --> 00:06:12,433
Uncle.

89
00:06:12,434 --> 00:06:15,102
Young man, one day

90
00:06:15,103 --> 00:06:17,672
you're going to
wind up in prison

91
00:06:17,673 --> 00:06:20,792
on your way
to hell!

92
00:06:23,595 --> 00:06:26,030
I'll show 'em.

93
00:06:26,031 --> 00:06:28,566
I'll show 'em all.

94
00:06:28,567 --> 00:06:31,803
One day I'm gonna
make a movie

95
00:06:31,804 --> 00:06:33,604
with nothing but...

96
00:06:33,605 --> 00:06:35,623
Jokes.

97
00:06:35,624 --> 00:06:38,559
A whole movie...
nothing but jokes.

98
00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:40,694
I don't follow.

99
00:06:40,695 --> 00:06:43,798
Look, you guys
used to be big... huge.

100
00:06:43,799 --> 00:06:46,251
You went national,
lampooning everything in sight.

101
00:06:46,252 --> 00:06:48,986
Before your "Saturday night
live," your comedy central,

102
00:06:48,987 --> 00:06:51,856
it was your guys' name
synonymous with funny.

103
00:06:51,857 --> 00:06:53,074
Better times.

104
00:06:53,075 --> 00:06:54,859
Well, this is
how you get it back.

105
00:06:54,860 --> 00:06:58,296
You forget all this
new media, viral video shit

106
00:06:58,297 --> 00:07:00,948
and you get back
to the funny.

107
00:07:00,949 --> 00:07:03,067
Jokes are funny.

108
00:07:03,068 --> 00:07:05,185
- Just jokes?
- Dirty jokes.

109
00:07:05,186 --> 00:07:07,438
You want to make an entire
movie out of just dirty jokes?

110
00:07:07,439 --> 00:07:08,873
- You got it.
- Just one after another?

111
00:07:08,874 --> 00:07:11,092
- That's right.
- But that's not a movie.

112
00:07:11,093 --> 00:07:12,543
I could be.
Look at "the aristocrats."

113
00:07:12,544 --> 00:07:14,645
"The aristocrats"
got a lot of heat.

114
00:07:14,646 --> 00:07:16,764
Maybe we should do
something like that.

115
00:07:16,765 --> 00:07:19,601
Yeah, but "the aristocrats"
is a movie about a joke.

116
00:07:19,602 --> 00:07:20,885
Right, so this will be
even better.

117
00:07:20,886 --> 00:07:25,289
What if we did a 90-minute
live-action "aristocrats"?

118
00:07:25,290 --> 00:07:26,807
I love it.
It pops.

119
00:07:26,808 --> 00:07:28,776
Did you actually see
"the aristocrats"?

120
00:07:28,777 --> 00:07:31,145
- No.
- It's a joke about a family

121
00:07:31,146 --> 00:07:34,849
that sodomizes their children and
defecates all over each other.

122
00:07:34,850 --> 00:07:36,634
You think it's not
a good idea?

123
00:07:36,635 --> 00:07:38,753
A boy fucking his mom
while her husband

124
00:07:38,754 --> 00:07:41,122
is humping their golden
retriever in the ass?

125
00:07:41,123 --> 00:07:42,940
How would we even
shoot that?

126
00:07:42,941 --> 00:07:46,527
- Do a lot of it in editing.
- Sure, stock footage.

127
00:07:46,528 --> 00:07:48,529
Okay, so how are
we gonna film a guy

128
00:07:48,530 --> 00:07:50,331
shitting into
his daughter's mouth?

129
00:07:50,332 --> 00:07:51,615
C.G.I.

130
00:07:51,616 --> 00:07:53,351
Well, we're still
gonna need a star.

131
00:07:53,352 --> 00:07:55,220
Real or C.G.I.?

132
00:07:55,221 --> 00:07:58,406
'Cause what star is gonna shit
in a little girl's mouth?

133
00:08:02,994 --> 00:08:04,612
It would prove
he's not gay.

134
00:08:04,613 --> 00:08:06,380
He's not gonna
do that on camera.

135
00:08:06,381 --> 00:08:08,115
He doesn't work
with animals anyway.

136
00:08:08,116 --> 00:08:11,285
True true.
Forget it. No "aristocrats."

137
00:08:11,286 --> 00:08:14,405
But I'm not sure
that a dirty-joke movie

138
00:08:14,406 --> 00:08:17,842
is sending our brand in the direction
I think we should be heading.

139
00:08:17,843 --> 00:08:21,695
Are we talking about sick,
mind-numbing depravity,

140
00:08:21,696 --> 00:08:24,666
gratuitous nudity
and cheap sex?

141
00:08:24,667 --> 00:08:25,967
If we do it right.

142
00:08:25,968 --> 00:08:29,403
Look, tits alone aren't
gonna do it anymore.

143
00:08:29,404 --> 00:08:32,172
But tits plus funny
is box-office gold.

144
00:08:32,173 --> 00:08:34,024
Jokes are funny.

145
00:08:34,025 --> 00:08:36,744
So you get tits with jokes...
we're rolling.

146
00:08:36,745 --> 00:08:39,230
Lawyer jokes, doctor
jokes, blonde jokes?

147
00:08:39,231 --> 00:08:40,748
Midget jokes,
dead baby jokes.

148
00:08:40,749 --> 00:08:43,034
No no no no no,
no dead baby jokes.

149
00:08:43,035 --> 00:08:44,752
Okay, maybe
no dead baby jokes.

150
00:08:44,753 --> 00:08:46,504
What about
racist jokes?

151
00:08:46,505 --> 00:08:48,872
Oh, that could get
a little touchy.

152
00:08:48,873 --> 00:08:51,409
- There's a way to do it.
- How?

153
00:08:51,410 --> 00:08:54,028
A racist joke's
only racist

154
00:08:54,029 --> 00:08:55,863
depending on
who's telling it.

155
00:08:55,864 --> 00:08:58,932
We could get one of your minorities
to tell the racist joke.

156
00:08:58,933 --> 00:09:01,802
Could we have racist jokes
with the word nig...

157
00:09:12,430 --> 00:09:13,764
the n-word?

158
00:09:13,765 --> 00:09:15,833
No way, huh-uh.
It's out of the question.

159
00:09:15,834 --> 00:09:18,836
These days if you make a racial slur
in public, you know what they do?

160
00:09:18,837 --> 00:09:21,606
They send you to rehab.
And I am not going back to rehab.

161
00:09:21,607 --> 00:09:23,524
- Come on.
- No, he's right.

162
00:09:23,525 --> 00:09:25,760
You know, I mean, that's a
bridge too far even for us.

163
00:09:25,761 --> 00:09:27,011
So how would this work?

164
00:09:27,012 --> 00:09:30,030
Look, hey, guys,
it's simple.

165
00:09:30,031 --> 00:09:32,450
A guy walks
into a bar,

166
00:09:32,451 --> 00:09:35,286
sees the bartender...
a beautiful woman...

167
00:09:35,287 --> 00:09:38,505
says to her, "give me
five shots of whisky."

168
00:09:38,506 --> 00:09:40,340
She pulls up the glasses,
lays them down on the bar,

169
00:09:40,341 --> 00:09:42,293
starts pouring...
one, two, three, four, five.

170
00:09:42,294 --> 00:09:44,812
He's slamming them back
as fast as he can.

171
00:09:44,813 --> 00:09:47,431
The bartender says,
"celebrating something?"

172
00:09:47,432 --> 00:09:50,351
He goes,
"my first blowjob."

173
00:09:50,352 --> 00:09:53,387
The bartender says, "in that
case, let me buy you a beer."

174
00:09:53,388 --> 00:09:55,289
He goes, "no thanks.

175
00:09:55,290 --> 00:09:58,025
If this doesn't kill
the taste, nothing will."

176
00:09:58,026 --> 00:10:01,762
Ba-dump-bump-crash!
There's your movie.

177
00:10:01,763 --> 00:10:03,431
But that's not a movie.

178
00:10:05,083 --> 00:10:07,151
Uh! Uh!

179
00:10:07,152 --> 00:10:09,153
Yes! Yes!

180
00:10:16,694 --> 00:10:18,695
Yes.

181
00:10:18,696 --> 00:10:21,032
Uh!

182
00:10:21,033 --> 00:10:23,034
Oh baby.

183
00:10:23,035 --> 00:10:25,036
Oh, that was good.

184
00:10:25,037 --> 00:10:27,038
Oh, I really...

185
00:10:27,039 --> 00:10:29,040
I really gotta go now.

186
00:10:29,041 --> 00:10:31,042
Oh no, don't go
to work, baby.

187
00:10:31,043 --> 00:10:32,543
Let's go again, huh?

188
00:10:32,544 --> 00:10:34,912
No, I've really
gotta go to work.

189
00:10:34,913 --> 00:10:36,914
- Oh please? One more time.

190
00:10:36,915 --> 00:10:38,916
Oh, that's them.
Hold on.

191
00:10:38,917 --> 00:10:40,851
Shh, be quiet.

192
00:10:42,254 --> 00:10:43,587
Hello.

193
00:10:43,588 --> 00:10:46,323
This is Donovan.
Where the fuck are you?

194
00:10:46,324 --> 00:10:49,993
I'm sorry.
I can't come in to work today.

195
00:10:49,994 --> 00:10:51,895
I'm sick.

196
00:10:51,896 --> 00:10:54,398
You're sick? You don't sound sick.
How sick are you?

197
00:10:54,399 --> 00:10:57,000
Well, right now
I'm fucking my sister.

198
00:11:06,144 --> 00:11:07,361
Hey.

199
00:11:07,362 --> 00:11:09,814
I'd love to get
in your pants.

200
00:11:09,815 --> 00:11:12,116
That's disgusting.
Why would you say that?

201
00:11:12,117 --> 00:11:14,769
'Cause I just took
a big shit in mine.

202
00:11:18,940 --> 00:11:20,908
Oh, this guy
is fucked.

203
00:11:24,847 --> 00:11:26,313
Emergency room.

204
00:11:26,314 --> 00:11:28,349
Doctor, doctor,
I don't know what to do.

205
00:11:28,350 --> 00:11:30,200
My wife is going
into labor

206
00:11:30,201 --> 00:11:32,270
and her contractions
are coming really fast.

207
00:11:32,271 --> 00:11:34,405
Okay, is this
her first child?

208
00:11:34,406 --> 00:11:37,391
No, this is
her husband.

209
00:11:40,529 --> 00:11:43,581
I wish that was
Britney Spears's ass.

210
00:11:45,584 --> 00:11:48,752
I wish that was
Paris Hilton's ass.

211
00:11:51,556 --> 00:11:53,958
I just wish
it was dark.

212
00:11:56,628 --> 00:11:59,813
Good meeting, boys. Hey listen, kid,
you go work on those storyboards.

213
00:11:59,814 --> 00:12:01,148
- You come with me.
- Okay.

214
00:12:01,149 --> 00:12:03,484
That guy doesn't really
seem to get it.

215
00:12:03,485 --> 00:12:05,819
Are you sure he's the right
person to direct this thing?

216
00:12:05,820 --> 00:12:06,970
He's non-union.

217
00:12:06,971 --> 00:12:08,672
Oh, say no more.
He's perfect.

218
00:12:08,673 --> 00:12:11,208
All right, so we'll set you
up in a production office

219
00:12:11,209 --> 00:12:13,710
- down near the receptionist.
- I didn't see the receptionist.

220
00:12:13,711 --> 00:12:15,412
She died in
the world trade center.

221
00:12:15,413 --> 00:12:17,348
- Oh, on 9/11?
- No.

222
00:12:17,349 --> 00:12:20,217
We're gonna need some
real comedy chops on this.

223
00:12:20,218 --> 00:12:22,219
And you know who we
should get to write it?

224
00:12:22,220 --> 00:12:23,521
- No.
- My son.

225
00:12:23,522 --> 00:12:25,456
Oh sure, a trained monkey
could write this script.

226
00:12:25,457 --> 00:12:27,458
- And not ask for residuals.

227
00:12:27,459 --> 00:12:30,827
Your only obstacle is
getting it past this board.

228
00:12:30,828 --> 00:12:32,829
- Leave it to me.
- Hey!

229
00:12:32,830 --> 00:12:34,831
Save your attitude, okay?

230
00:12:34,832 --> 00:12:37,034
These people have been
running the comedy business

231
00:12:37,035 --> 00:12:39,370
since Richard Pryor
was in short pants.

232
00:12:39,371 --> 00:12:41,472
And you don't get
in that kind of position

233
00:12:41,473 --> 00:12:45,442
unless you're a bunch of ruthless,
cantankerous sons of bitches.

234
00:12:45,443 --> 00:12:48,412
If they smell fear,
they'll rip off your balls

235
00:12:48,413 --> 00:12:50,414
and shit
on your children.

236
00:12:50,415 --> 00:12:52,416
I don't have
children.

237
00:12:52,417 --> 00:12:55,253
Just watch yourself.

238
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:03,661
I-17.

239
00:13:12,821 --> 00:13:14,855
Give me my smokes,
you fucking bandit.

240
00:13:14,856 --> 00:13:16,690
B-2.

241
00:13:24,082 --> 00:13:25,466
Wow.

242
00:13:25,467 --> 00:13:26,500
You said it.

243
00:13:26,501 --> 00:13:28,969
Don't make
any sudden moves.

244
00:13:32,307 --> 00:13:34,308
N-34.

245
00:13:34,309 --> 00:13:36,561
- What's that?

246
00:13:36,562 --> 00:13:39,329
- God damn it, stupid fucking...
- I made a stinky.

247
00:13:39,330 --> 00:13:41,248
My God.

248
00:13:41,249 --> 00:13:44,018
- G-51.
- Bingo.

249
00:13:47,889 --> 00:13:49,322
You cocksucker.

250
00:13:51,059 --> 00:13:52,727
I fucked your mother!

251
00:13:52,728 --> 00:13:55,029
Yes, you did.

252
00:13:55,030 --> 00:13:57,197
Take your medication,
dad, huh?

253
00:13:57,198 --> 00:13:59,550
- May I have your attention, please?
- Bingo.

254
00:13:59,551 --> 00:14:01,685
- Right.

255
00:14:01,686 --> 00:14:04,154
- I want my 45¢ back, you motherfucker.
- Ladies and gentlemen...

256
00:14:04,155 --> 00:14:06,857
- Bingo.

257
00:14:06,858 --> 00:14:08,909
- Can I have your attention?
- That's bullshit.

258
00:14:08,910 --> 00:14:11,478
Can I... can I have
your attention?

259
00:14:11,479 --> 00:14:13,814
- Mmm?

260
00:14:13,815 --> 00:14:17,952
It is my pleasure to tell
you about our new venture

261
00:14:17,953 --> 00:14:20,220
in feature filmmaking.

262
00:14:20,221 --> 00:14:22,222
We're going
to make a movie

263
00:14:22,223 --> 00:14:24,208
that is going to take
this company

264
00:14:24,209 --> 00:14:26,677
right back
to its roots.

265
00:14:26,678 --> 00:14:28,579
You're on.

266
00:14:28,580 --> 00:14:30,247
Thank you.
Thank you very much.

267
00:14:30,248 --> 00:14:31,882
And first off,
may I say what an honor...

268
00:14:38,639 --> 00:14:41,775
Uh, now this feature

269
00:14:41,776 --> 00:14:43,844
that I am proposing

270
00:14:43,845 --> 00:14:46,129
- is a film made up...
- Help me.

271
00:14:46,130 --> 00:14:48,532
...entirely of jokes.

272
00:14:48,533 --> 00:14:49,750
What's the story?

273
00:14:49,751 --> 00:14:51,618
Good question.

274
00:14:51,619 --> 00:14:53,653
There is no story.

275
00:14:54,989 --> 00:14:57,791
It's jokes acted out.

276
00:15:03,782 --> 00:15:07,251
Just jokes? You mean,
like knock-knock jokes?

277
00:15:07,252 --> 00:15:10,137
Not exactly. These jokes are
gonna be a little edgier.

278
00:15:10,138 --> 00:15:12,172
Like the chicken-crossed-
the-road jokes.

279
00:15:12,173 --> 00:15:14,341
Yes and no. A little more
"no" than that but...

280
00:15:14,342 --> 00:15:17,945
well, I think there ought
to be whore jokes.

281
00:15:17,946 --> 00:15:20,798
What's the difference between
an onion and a dead whore?

282
00:15:22,283 --> 00:15:24,785
I cried when
I cut up the onion.

283
00:15:29,323 --> 00:15:31,642
- Okay.
- Very good, Eleanor.

284
00:15:31,643 --> 00:15:35,329
Why was there 4000
Mexicans at the Alamo?

285
00:15:36,681 --> 00:15:38,733
They only had
three cars.

286
00:15:46,724 --> 00:15:48,959
What's the difference
between a homo

287
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:51,745
and a refrigerator?

288
00:15:51,746 --> 00:15:55,382
A refrigerator don't fart
when you pull out the meat.

289
00:16:10,031 --> 00:16:13,166
- That it?
- I think we're done here.

290
00:16:16,938 --> 00:16:18,939
I'm so gonna
lose my license.

291
00:16:18,940 --> 00:16:20,374
Why is that?

292
00:16:20,375 --> 00:16:23,043
I fucked
three of my patients.

293
00:16:23,044 --> 00:16:25,029
Oh, who cares?

294
00:16:25,030 --> 00:16:28,699
My brother is a doctor.
He sleeps with patients all the time.

295
00:16:28,700 --> 00:16:31,852
Yeah, but is
he a veterinarian?

296
00:16:39,928 --> 00:16:41,795
Hey, birthday boy.

297
00:16:41,796 --> 00:16:43,980
Your friends hired me
to come over here

298
00:16:43,981 --> 00:16:46,950
and give you some
hot super sex.

299
00:16:48,369 --> 00:16:51,355
I'll take the soup.

300
00:16:51,356 --> 00:16:53,640
What's the difference
between a priest

301
00:16:53,641 --> 00:16:55,726
and acne?

302
00:16:55,727 --> 00:16:59,129
Acne doesn't come on your
face till you're 12.

303
00:16:59,130 --> 00:17:01,949
Fuck you, freak!

304
00:17:01,950 --> 00:17:03,951
Oh hey, cheap trick.

305
00:17:03,952 --> 00:17:07,588
I told you, keep that on the corner.
Don't bring it in here.

306
00:17:07,589 --> 00:17:09,857
All I want
is a drink.

307
00:17:11,726 --> 00:17:14,828
What the hell?
It's a slow night anyway.

308
00:17:14,829 --> 00:17:17,047
Tell me about it.

309
00:17:17,048 --> 00:17:19,933
You can pay
for this?

310
00:17:19,934 --> 00:17:24,270
Why don't you
take it out of this?

311
00:17:31,062 --> 00:17:33,280
Got anything smaller?

312
00:17:42,056 --> 00:17:43,224
Excuse me,

313
00:17:43,225 --> 00:17:45,292
I'm looking for a big-time
Hollywood producer.

314
00:17:45,293 --> 00:17:47,027
Morty, my main man!

315
00:17:47,028 --> 00:17:49,430
Get over here, you big shit.
Come on, hug.

316
00:17:49,431 --> 00:17:52,599
A big big hug.

317
00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:54,301
That's a hug,
all right. Let go.

318
00:17:54,302 --> 00:17:57,104
- How are you doing, bubi?
- Oh, can't complain.

319
00:17:57,105 --> 00:17:59,957
You know, getting settled in,
a little tight.

320
00:17:59,958 --> 00:18:01,625
Hey, no worries.

321
00:18:01,626 --> 00:18:03,594
Wait a minute,
you did something.

322
00:18:03,595 --> 00:18:05,645
There's something
different.

323
00:18:05,646 --> 00:18:07,681
What did you do?

324
00:18:07,682 --> 00:18:10,000
I don't know.
What did I do?

325
00:18:10,001 --> 00:18:13,470
Oh wow, that's some
beautiful work.

326
00:18:13,471 --> 00:18:16,290
- $89.99.
- That's a great deal.

327
00:18:16,291 --> 00:18:18,309
Yeah, he owed me.
Have a seat.

328
00:18:18,310 --> 00:18:20,610
Yeah.

329
00:18:20,611 --> 00:18:22,947
So they went
for it, huh?

330
00:18:22,948 --> 00:18:25,615
Yeah, shimmy in
just a bit.

331
00:18:26,818 --> 00:18:30,087
Hit the button
right there.

332
00:18:30,088 --> 00:18:31,388
Yeah, can you
believe it?

333
00:18:31,389 --> 00:18:33,623
Yeah, go figure.

334
00:18:33,624 --> 00:18:35,542
And how does this one go?
Nothing but riddles?

335
00:18:35,543 --> 00:18:37,795
- Jokes.
- Jokes, yes, jokes.

336
00:18:46,270 --> 00:18:48,021
- So?
- So I have an investor.

337
00:18:48,022 --> 00:18:50,023
Oh, beauteous!

338
00:18:50,024 --> 00:18:52,359
Yeah, a great guy too.
I know him from temple...

339
00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:54,828
real respectable, upstanding,
a real family man.

340
00:18:54,829 --> 00:18:56,630
He sponsors
my kid's soccer team.

341
00:18:56,631 --> 00:18:58,481
Oh, a nice guy.
What's he do?

342
00:18:58,482 --> 00:19:00,550
He owns those jerk-off booths
over on eighth Avenue.

343
00:19:00,551 --> 00:19:02,653
Nice. So he can put up
the whole nut?

344
00:19:02,654 --> 00:19:04,771
- People like to jerk off.
- Okay.

345
00:19:04,772 --> 00:19:06,523
He's in, but he does have
one condition.

346
00:19:06,524 --> 00:19:08,525
Oh dang it. What,
girlfriend an actress?

347
00:19:08,526 --> 00:19:10,527
Nah nah, when I told him
it was a joke movie,

348
00:19:10,528 --> 00:19:12,462
he said for his money he wants
us to make fun of the muklehs.

349
00:19:12,463 --> 00:19:13,897
He wants Arab jokes?

350
00:19:13,898 --> 00:19:15,999
Yeah, they're dirty,
they ride camels, so forth.

351
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:18,986
"Ride camels."
Consider it done.

352
00:19:18,987 --> 00:19:21,638
Fantastic.
Here you go.

353
00:19:22,924 --> 00:19:25,192
Oh, thank you, sir.

354
00:19:25,193 --> 00:19:26,426
You are welcome.

355
00:19:26,427 --> 00:19:28,428
So what stars do you have
for this movie?

356
00:19:28,429 --> 00:19:30,664
A little too early
to tell,

357
00:19:30,665 --> 00:19:33,366
but we're talking to Clooney's
people, Matt Damon.

358
00:19:33,367 --> 00:19:34,467
Really?

359
00:19:34,468 --> 00:19:37,855
Hey, we just got a call.
Piscopo's out.

360
00:19:37,856 --> 00:19:40,306
Joe Piscopo's out?

361
00:19:40,307 --> 00:19:43,243
- Who's Joe Piscopo?
- Exactly.

362
00:19:47,265 --> 00:19:49,766
Mommy,

363
00:19:49,767 --> 00:19:52,285
where do babies
come from?

364
00:19:52,286 --> 00:19:55,172
Well, babies...

365
00:19:55,173 --> 00:19:57,875
they come
from the stork.

366
00:19:57,876 --> 00:20:00,327
Who fucks the stork?

367
00:20:08,936 --> 00:20:11,438
Hello.

368
00:20:11,439 --> 00:20:13,440
Hello.
Pardon me.

369
00:20:13,441 --> 00:20:15,125
I'm afraid
I'm lost, you see.

370
00:20:15,126 --> 00:20:17,911
- Who are you?
- I'm looking for the Hopkins inn.

371
00:20:17,912 --> 00:20:19,663
You with
the government?

372
00:20:19,664 --> 00:20:22,216
No no, lord no.
I'm from London actually.

373
00:20:22,217 --> 00:20:23,767
London?

374
00:20:23,768 --> 00:20:26,637
Shit, you a long way
from home, boy.

375
00:20:26,638 --> 00:20:29,773
What you do
up in england?

376
00:20:29,774 --> 00:20:31,758
Oh, I'm a taxidermist.

377
00:20:31,759 --> 00:20:33,510
A taxi-what?

378
00:20:33,511 --> 00:20:35,062
A taxidermist.

379
00:20:35,063 --> 00:20:36,446
What's that mean?

380
00:20:36,447 --> 00:20:37,998
It means I mount
dead animals.

381
00:20:41,385 --> 00:20:44,137
It's okay, boys.
He's one of us.

382
00:20:48,843 --> 00:20:50,977
Why can't
arab children take

383
00:20:50,978 --> 00:20:54,848
driver's ed and sex ed
on the same day?

384
00:20:54,849 --> 00:20:57,984
Their camels
get too tired.

385
00:20:57,985 --> 00:21:00,587
Arr!

386
00:21:00,588 --> 00:21:02,439
It's the damnedest
thing, doc.

387
00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:04,774
I've lost all hearing
on my right side.

388
00:21:04,775 --> 00:21:08,178
- I think I found the problem.

389
00:21:08,179 --> 00:21:11,148
You had a suppository
in your ear.

390
00:21:12,484 --> 00:21:14,968
I guess I know
where my hearing aid is.

391
00:21:19,340 --> 00:21:20,824
Your battery is low.

392
00:21:20,825 --> 00:21:23,360
What?

393
00:21:23,361 --> 00:21:26,129
Your battery is low!

394
00:21:37,092 --> 00:21:39,826
Dad, you wanted to see me?

395
00:21:39,827 --> 00:21:42,061
Yeah, come in.
Close the door.

396
00:21:43,998 --> 00:21:47,066
You know that movie
we're doing?

397
00:21:48,302 --> 00:21:50,437
Look, it's just like
those e-mails

398
00:21:50,438 --> 00:21:53,072
you send me all the time,
so I want you to write it.

399
00:21:53,073 --> 00:21:55,792
But I've never written
a movie before.

400
00:21:55,793 --> 00:21:57,544
So? Before last year

401
00:21:57,545 --> 00:21:59,362
you'd never written
a novelty t-shirt before.

402
00:21:59,363 --> 00:22:01,147
Look what a good job
you did with those.

403
00:22:01,148 --> 00:22:03,133
I still haven't
gotten paid for these.

404
00:22:03,134 --> 00:22:04,634
Oh yeah?
Well, we'll look into it.

405
00:22:04,635 --> 00:22:06,737
Right now we need some
dirty, filthy jokes.

406
00:22:06,738 --> 00:22:09,723
How dirty? I mean, can we even find
actors willing to do that stuff?

407
00:22:09,724 --> 00:22:11,391
Actors are whores.

408
00:22:11,392 --> 00:22:14,411
That's one of the founding
principles of this business.

409
00:22:14,412 --> 00:22:18,064
One time in Nashville I got an actor
to jerk off on an oatmeal cookie.

410
00:22:18,065 --> 00:22:20,100
On camera?

411
00:22:20,101 --> 00:22:22,903
No, but that's not
the point.

412
00:22:22,904 --> 00:22:25,372
The point is they want
to be in a hit.

413
00:22:25,373 --> 00:22:28,876
And if this movie is half
as good as your t-shirts,

414
00:22:28,877 --> 00:22:30,877
we're gonna be
on top again.

415
00:22:30,878 --> 00:22:33,680
Here, take this.

416
00:22:33,681 --> 00:22:35,099
- How's your mother?
- They had to amputate.

417
00:22:35,100 --> 00:22:37,768
Give her my love.

418
00:22:48,796 --> 00:22:50,797
Are you the manager?

419
00:22:50,798 --> 00:22:52,733
Actually, no.

420
00:22:52,734 --> 00:22:55,035
Oh.

421
00:22:55,036 --> 00:22:57,004
Can you get him
for me?

422
00:22:57,005 --> 00:22:58,739
Well, he's not here
right now.

423
00:22:58,740 --> 00:23:01,642
Is there anything
that I could do for you?

424
00:23:01,643 --> 00:23:02,809
Yeah.

425
00:23:05,463 --> 00:23:07,965
Can you give him
a message for me?

426
00:23:07,966 --> 00:23:11,134
What message
should I give him?

427
00:23:11,135 --> 00:23:12,970
Tell him...

428
00:23:14,505 --> 00:23:17,874
There's no toilet paper
in the ladies' room.

429
00:23:23,831 --> 00:23:26,649
What do a gynecologist
and a pizza boy

430
00:23:26,650 --> 00:23:28,484
have in common?

431
00:23:28,485 --> 00:23:31,021
They can smell it,
but they can't eat it.

432
00:23:31,022 --> 00:23:33,240
Hey, Freddy taught me
some cool new swears.

433
00:23:33,241 --> 00:23:34,474
Yeah?

434
00:23:34,475 --> 00:23:36,877
Check this out.

435
00:23:36,878 --> 00:23:39,279
What do you want
for breakfast, Johnny?

436
00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:43,750
Fix me up some motherfucking
pancakes, bitch.

437
00:23:43,751 --> 00:23:47,137
You don't talk to me like that,
you little bastard!

438
00:23:47,138 --> 00:23:50,507
Go to your room. Think about it.
You, what do you want?

439
00:23:50,508 --> 00:23:53,025
I don't know, but it sure
as shit ain't pancakes.

440
00:23:56,029 --> 00:23:57,363
Hi, doc.

441
00:23:57,364 --> 00:23:59,599
So how have you been?

442
00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:01,835
I'm sorry,
do I know you?

443
00:24:01,836 --> 00:24:04,471
Yes, you're the father
of one of my children.

444
00:24:04,472 --> 00:24:06,923
Oh my God.

445
00:24:06,924 --> 00:24:09,726
You're the stripper that I
fucked at my bachelor party

446
00:24:09,727 --> 00:24:11,561
while your friend
spanked me

447
00:24:11,562 --> 00:24:13,830
and shoved
a cucumber up my ass.

448
00:24:13,831 --> 00:24:17,284
No, I'm your son's
English teacher.

449
00:24:19,337 --> 00:24:21,321
How's your yorkie?

450
00:24:22,273 --> 00:24:25,142
Hold on. I just
wrote this one down.

451
00:24:25,143 --> 00:24:27,994
How many Polacks
does it take

452
00:24:27,995 --> 00:24:30,163
- to screw in...

453
00:24:30,164 --> 00:24:32,032
Funny.

454
00:24:32,033 --> 00:24:34,001
All righty,
now what was it?

455
00:24:34,002 --> 00:24:37,654
I don't think you got what I was
saying in the script notes.

456
00:24:38,506 --> 00:24:40,674
What were you saying?

457
00:24:40,675 --> 00:24:43,844
What I was saying is
that if we just have

458
00:24:43,845 --> 00:24:45,879
nothing but jokes
one after another,

459
00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:48,348
there's no story.

460
00:24:48,349 --> 00:24:50,200
Which of these
is funnier?

461
00:24:50,201 --> 00:24:52,202
- I don't care.
- Fair enough.

462
00:24:52,203 --> 00:24:54,137
What I was saying is
that I don't think

463
00:24:54,138 --> 00:24:56,223
anyone's gonna sit
through this entire movie

464
00:24:56,224 --> 00:24:58,558
without a story.

465
00:24:58,559 --> 00:24:59,892
That's all I'm saying.

466
00:24:59,893 --> 00:25:01,677
So what are you saying?

467
00:25:01,678 --> 00:25:03,780
We have to find a narrative...

468
00:25:03,781 --> 00:25:06,416
a beginning, a middle

469
00:25:06,417 --> 00:25:08,418
and an end.

470
00:25:08,419 --> 00:25:10,987
So what if we take

471
00:25:10,988 --> 00:25:13,240
all the characters
from the jokes...

472
00:25:13,241 --> 00:25:15,325
the main characters
like the dumb blonde,

473
00:25:15,326 --> 00:25:17,327
little Johnny,
the pedophile priest...

474
00:25:17,328 --> 00:25:19,529
and we give them
a backstory?

475
00:25:21,498 --> 00:25:23,916
Like what's-my-motivation
kind of shit?

476
00:25:23,917 --> 00:25:27,420
Yeah, like maybe little Johnny
spent some time in foster care.

477
00:25:27,421 --> 00:25:30,524
Or the dumb blonde used to be a
guy, and now she's gender-confused.

478
00:25:30,525 --> 00:25:32,442
- Maybe.
- Fuck no! They're jokes...

479
00:25:32,443 --> 00:25:34,660
setup, punch line, onto the next one.
Come on.

480
00:25:34,661 --> 00:25:36,429
Look, even in
a porno film

481
00:25:36,430 --> 00:25:38,832
the guy shows up
with the pizza.

482
00:25:38,833 --> 00:25:41,034
We know the girl
has ordered the pizza.

483
00:25:41,035 --> 00:25:44,203
We know he is there
to deliver the pizza.

484
00:25:44,204 --> 00:25:47,357
There is a story.

485
00:25:47,358 --> 00:25:49,793
So you want the priest
to deliver a pizza?

486
00:25:53,947 --> 00:25:55,398
I'm confused.

487
00:25:55,399 --> 00:25:57,016
You know what?
Forget it.

488
00:25:57,017 --> 00:25:59,135
- I guess a priest could deliver a pizza.
- Never mind.

489
00:25:59,136 --> 00:26:00,587
Or a rabbi comes
to fix the cable.

490
00:26:00,588 --> 00:26:02,922
- Forget I even brought it up.
- Suit yourself.

491
00:26:02,923 --> 00:26:04,657
Other button.

492
00:26:04,658 --> 00:26:06,510
Good boy.

493
00:26:15,536 --> 00:26:17,504
A blue-ball joke.

494
00:26:19,073 --> 00:26:21,074
Mr. Siguera.

495
00:26:21,075 --> 00:26:23,076
Yeah, how is she, doc?

496
00:26:23,077 --> 00:26:25,578
I have good news
and I have bad news.

497
00:26:25,579 --> 00:26:27,980
And the bad news is the
accident was very severe.

498
00:26:27,981 --> 00:26:29,982
She has
a ruptured esophagus,

499
00:26:29,983 --> 00:26:32,285
so you're gonna have to feed
her through a tube daily.

500
00:26:32,286 --> 00:26:34,671
- Okay.
- We had to amputate both her arms,

501
00:26:34,672 --> 00:26:36,673
so you're gonna have to
help her in the bathroom

502
00:26:36,674 --> 00:26:39,369
and pretty much wipe her ass
for the rest of her life.

503
00:26:39,395 --> 00:26:40,043
Oh God.

504
00:26:40,044 --> 00:26:43,029
There's gonna be a white milky
discharge coming from her vagina.

505
00:26:43,030 --> 00:26:45,882
Don't worry.
It's normal but very pungent.

506
00:26:45,883 --> 00:26:48,685
So make sure that you change her
diaper every three to four hours.

507
00:26:48,686 --> 00:26:51,571
Oh God.
What's the good news?

508
00:26:53,073 --> 00:26:56,159
I'm just kidding.
She's dead.

509
00:27:01,849 --> 00:27:04,551
Hey, babe, you wanna fuck?

510
00:27:04,552 --> 00:27:08,238
Oh, I have a gynecologist
appointment in the morning.

511
00:27:08,239 --> 00:27:10,207
I can't.

512
00:27:19,533 --> 00:27:21,635
Do you have a dentist appointment?

513
00:27:23,003 --> 00:27:26,223
So there we were
in Africa on safari

514
00:27:26,224 --> 00:27:29,860
tracking a giant
man-eating lion for days.

515
00:27:29,861 --> 00:27:31,995
Finally we made camp.

516
00:27:31,996 --> 00:27:33,846
And that night,

517
00:27:33,847 --> 00:27:35,848
just as I was
falling asleep,

518
00:27:35,849 --> 00:27:38,735
the lion tore into
my tent and roared...

519
00:27:38,736 --> 00:27:42,371
rr-arrgh!

520
00:27:42,372 --> 00:27:46,776
I shit in my pants.

521
00:27:46,777 --> 00:27:50,113
Oh. Well, that's okay.
If there was a lion in my tent,

522
00:27:50,114 --> 00:27:51,647
I would have shit
my pants too.

523
00:27:51,648 --> 00:27:55,651
No, not then. Just now
when I went "rarr-gh!"

524
00:27:55,652 --> 00:27:57,954
I shit in my pants.

525
00:28:02,627 --> 00:28:04,628
Did you hear about
the Polish girl

526
00:28:04,629 --> 00:28:06,630
who dropped her gum
in the toilet?

527
00:28:06,631 --> 00:28:08,632
She chewed the shit
out of it.

528
00:28:08,633 --> 00:28:11,134
Arr!

529
00:28:11,135 --> 00:28:20,610
<i>♪ Through the perilous ♪</i>

530
00:28:20,611 --> 00:28:24,513
<i>♪ fight ♪</i>

531
00:28:24,514 --> 00:28:28,351
<i>♪ everybody was
kung fu fighting ♪</i>

532
00:28:28,352 --> 00:28:30,419
<i>♪ pick up a bottle
and hit her ♪</i>

533
00:28:30,420 --> 00:28:32,756
<i>♪ upside her head now ♪</i>

534
00:28:32,757 --> 00:28:35,191
<i>♪ 'cause you're fine ♪</i>

535
00:28:35,192 --> 00:28:37,493
<i>♪ don't want to get
your pretty face messed up ♪</i>

536
00:28:37,494 --> 00:28:40,897
<i>♪ I know I don't want to get
my pretty face messed up... ♪</i>

537
00:28:42,366 --> 00:28:44,083
all right, having our
first audition,

538
00:28:44,084 --> 00:28:46,419
making a movie,
having an audition.

539
00:28:46,420 --> 00:28:48,988
- Mm-hmm.
- Did you call the actors?

540
00:28:48,989 --> 00:28:50,506
The casting director
does that.

541
00:28:50,507 --> 00:28:52,675
Right right.

542
00:28:52,676 --> 00:28:55,361
Having an open call,

543
00:28:55,362 --> 00:28:58,231
a cattle call,
as they say.

544
00:28:58,232 --> 00:29:00,300
Come in,
the first actor!

545
00:29:02,586 --> 00:29:04,604
Give it to me.

546
00:29:04,605 --> 00:29:07,373
What's the difference
between a pussy and a cunt?

547
00:29:08,359 --> 00:29:10,677
A pussy is warm, wet

548
00:29:10,678 --> 00:29:12,245
and feels awesome
on your cock,

549
00:29:12,246 --> 00:29:14,164
and a cunt's the bitch
that owns it.

550
00:29:14,165 --> 00:29:15,815
We'll give you a call.

551
00:29:18,469 --> 00:29:21,788
What did one gay sperm say
to the other gay sperm?

552
00:29:21,789 --> 00:29:24,240
"How am I gonna find the egg
through all this shit?"

553
00:29:24,241 --> 00:29:26,543
Next!

554
00:29:26,544 --> 00:29:29,696
You hear about the guy
who had five cocks?

555
00:29:29,697 --> 00:29:31,598
A condom fit
like a glove.

556
00:29:31,599 --> 00:29:32,632
Oh.

557
00:29:32,633 --> 00:29:33,833
Next!

558
00:29:33,834 --> 00:29:37,853
What do women and tornadoes
have in common?

559
00:29:37,854 --> 00:29:41,007
They moan when they come and they
take the house when they leave.

560
00:29:42,893 --> 00:29:45,094
- Thank you.
- He seemed fine.

561
00:29:45,095 --> 00:29:47,280
Oh, trust me.

562
00:29:47,281 --> 00:29:48,981
I know the funny.

563
00:29:48,982 --> 00:29:50,367
Next!

564
00:29:50,368 --> 00:29:52,519
How do you know when your
wife is really dead?

565
00:29:53,955 --> 00:29:57,273
The sex is the same, but the
dishes start piling up.

566
00:29:57,274 --> 00:29:58,641
Next!

567
00:29:58,642 --> 00:30:00,760
What do you call
a vegetarian with diarrhea?

568
00:30:00,761 --> 00:30:02,278
A salad shooter.

569
00:30:02,279 --> 00:30:05,498
Next. Next.
Next. Next.

570
00:30:10,370 --> 00:30:14,741
What's round, long, hard
and has seamen in it?

571
00:30:15,992 --> 00:30:17,960
A submarine.

572
00:30:17,961 --> 00:30:20,546
- Thank you.
- Hey!

573
00:30:20,547 --> 00:30:22,381
Let me, please.

574
00:30:33,627 --> 00:30:35,594
You got something, kid.

575
00:30:38,682 --> 00:30:40,683
I can feel the funny
flowing from you,

576
00:30:40,684 --> 00:30:42,685
but you're just not
letting it go.

577
00:30:42,686 --> 00:30:45,688
You gotta share
the funny,

578
00:30:45,689 --> 00:30:47,623
draw us in
with the funny,

579
00:30:47,624 --> 00:30:51,527
seduce with the funny
that God gave you.

580
00:30:54,414 --> 00:30:56,615
Take off your top.

581
00:30:56,616 --> 00:30:58,968
Okay.

582
00:31:00,337 --> 00:31:01,888
Okay.

583
00:31:07,177 --> 00:31:09,062
This is funny.

584
00:31:09,063 --> 00:31:11,814
All right,
now let it flow.

585
00:31:11,815 --> 00:31:15,334
What's the difference between
a lawyer and a prostitute?

586
00:31:17,187 --> 00:31:19,772
A prostitute stops fucking
you once you're dead.

587
00:31:23,727 --> 00:31:26,879
Is that a boom Mike in your pocket
or are you just glad to see me?

588
00:31:34,188 --> 00:31:38,374
How does a hillbilly girl
know her mother is on the rag?

589
00:31:38,375 --> 00:31:41,127
Her brother's dick
tastes really nasty.

590
00:31:53,924 --> 00:31:57,777
Were we really that funny?

591
00:31:57,778 --> 00:31:59,094
Hilarious.

592
00:31:59,095 --> 00:32:01,380
Yay!

593
00:32:01,381 --> 00:32:02,882
You were so funny,
I think I came.

594
00:32:02,883 --> 00:32:05,050
Yay!

595
00:32:05,051 --> 00:32:07,887
- We'll call.
- Yay!

596
00:32:10,157 --> 00:32:12,825
What did I tell you?

597
00:32:12,826 --> 00:32:16,062
The funny... you could
smell it off 'em.

598
00:32:16,063 --> 00:32:18,048
I think I smelled
something too.

599
00:32:18,049 --> 00:32:20,116
- Whew.
- Excuse me.

600
00:32:20,117 --> 00:32:22,718
I tell you, this auditioning thing
is exhausting. I need a nap.

601
00:32:22,719 --> 00:32:25,288
- Excuse me.
- I think we still have a few actors left.

602
00:32:25,289 --> 00:32:28,057
No no no, tell them the shop
is closed, come back tomorrow.

603
00:32:28,058 --> 00:32:31,311
Hey, douche bags, I'm not here
to listen to you ladies yak.

604
00:32:31,312 --> 00:32:33,596
Who do I have to fuck
to get a part around here?

605
00:32:43,708 --> 00:32:45,708
I think I just got
a second wind.

606
00:32:45,709 --> 00:32:47,377
Hold all my calls.

607
00:32:47,378 --> 00:32:49,812
- You don't have a phone.
- Right.

608
00:32:53,383 --> 00:32:56,086
Morning. Welcome to
the Hopkins inn.

609
00:32:56,087 --> 00:32:58,121
A little hair of the dog
that bit ya?

610
00:32:58,122 --> 00:33:00,973
Give me a drink...
anything but gin.

611
00:33:00,974 --> 00:33:02,291
Oh, you're not
a gin guy, huh?

612
00:33:02,292 --> 00:33:04,293
I hate that shit.

613
00:33:04,294 --> 00:33:07,096
I drank a whole fifth of gin
last night and blew chunks.

614
00:33:07,097 --> 00:33:09,432
Oh buddy, you drink
a fifth of anything...

615
00:33:09,433 --> 00:33:10,833
you're bound
to blow chunks.

616
00:33:10,834 --> 00:33:13,319
No, you don't understand.

617
00:33:13,320 --> 00:33:14,987
Chunks is my dog.

618
00:33:17,307 --> 00:33:18,891
A kid lost
his gym shorts?

619
00:33:18,892 --> 00:33:21,261
Yeah, a pair of boys'
gym shorts.

620
00:33:22,963 --> 00:33:25,565
These aren't boys' gym shorts.
These are girls' gym shorts.

621
00:33:25,566 --> 00:33:27,567
No, they're not. It's a
pair of boy' gym shorts.

622
00:33:27,568 --> 00:33:28,901
Look, I've been doing this
for a long time.

623
00:33:28,902 --> 00:33:30,603
I know a pair of girls'
gym shorts when I see 'em.

624
00:33:30,604 --> 00:33:32,572
Well, then you know that
those are boys' gym shorts.

625
00:33:32,573 --> 00:33:34,174
- You're wrong.
- Oh please, you're wrong.

626
00:33:34,175 --> 00:33:35,508
Look, these are
girls' gym shorts.

627
00:33:35,509 --> 00:33:37,076
It's a pair of
boys' gym shorts.

628
00:33:37,077 --> 00:33:39,078
Hey hey hey,
what's the problem here?

629
00:33:39,079 --> 00:33:42,215
He's put up a lost-and-found
notice for boys' gym shorts,

630
00:33:42,216 --> 00:33:45,117
and they're
obviously girls'.

631
00:33:47,188 --> 00:33:49,188
Boys' gym shorts,

632
00:33:49,189 --> 00:33:51,340
but not
from my parish.

633
00:33:51,341 --> 00:33:55,011
Where do you find
a one-legged dog?

634
00:33:55,012 --> 00:33:57,830
Wherever you fucking
left it.

635
00:34:00,967 --> 00:34:03,436
Get ready
for a long shift...

636
00:34:03,437 --> 00:34:05,438
a pileup
on the Major Deegan...

637
00:34:05,439 --> 00:34:07,440
bus bringing
10 bodies.

638
00:34:07,441 --> 00:34:08,774
Damn.

639
00:34:08,775 --> 00:34:10,543
Did you finish
that autopsy report

640
00:34:10,544 --> 00:34:12,412
on the Jane Doe we
fished out of the river?

641
00:34:12,413 --> 00:34:14,347
Yeah, blunt force
followed by asphyxiation.

642
00:34:14,348 --> 00:34:17,183
Three days floating in the
Hudson didn't help either.

643
00:34:17,184 --> 00:34:19,135
You wouldn't believe
her clitoris...

644
00:34:19,136 --> 00:34:21,187
like a dill pickle.

645
00:34:21,188 --> 00:34:22,922
Green?

646
00:34:22,923 --> 00:34:25,624
The other mortician goes,
"eh, a little sour."

647
00:34:30,698 --> 00:34:33,132
It's a little...

648
00:34:33,133 --> 00:34:35,701
"clitoris" is
a little strong for me.

649
00:34:35,702 --> 00:34:37,770
Vulva?

650
00:34:38,772 --> 00:34:42,258
Okay okay,
how about this one?

651
00:34:42,259 --> 00:34:46,479
Why did they bury
the dead homo face down?

652
00:34:46,480 --> 00:34:50,032
In case his friends wanted
to drop by for a cold one.

653
00:34:50,033 --> 00:34:51,200
No. God no.

654
00:34:51,201 --> 00:34:53,202
Oh, I like that.
Put that on the board.

655
00:34:53,203 --> 00:34:54,587
No, do not touch
that marker.

656
00:34:54,588 --> 00:34:56,372
- Why not?
- Why not?

657
00:34:56,373 --> 00:34:58,807
Look, we're not doing
straight necrophilia jokes,

658
00:34:58,808 --> 00:35:01,427
so we're certainly not gonna
do gay necrophilia jokes.

659
00:35:01,428 --> 00:35:03,780
You got a problem with gay jokes?
Put it on the board.

660
00:35:03,781 --> 00:35:05,898
Do not touch
that marker.

661
00:35:05,899 --> 00:35:08,183
Why? Since when is
gender preference

662
00:35:08,184 --> 00:35:10,285
any kind of factor
in fucking a corpse?

663
00:35:10,286 --> 00:35:12,622
You say that like it's
from personal experience.

664
00:35:12,623 --> 00:35:15,191
No, it's just that...

665
00:35:15,192 --> 00:35:17,226
you don't like
gay jokes, do you?

666
00:35:17,227 --> 00:35:19,495
No, I...

667
00:35:19,496 --> 00:35:22,631
gay jokes are fine.
I... I like gay jokes.

668
00:35:22,632 --> 00:35:24,933
What are you
talking about?

669
00:35:24,934 --> 00:35:27,109
How can you tell if
you're at a gay picnic?

670
00:35:27,135 --> 00:35:27,653
How?

671
00:35:27,654 --> 00:35:29,772
- All the hot dogs taste like shit.
- Ha!

672
00:35:29,773 --> 00:35:32,875
That's not funny. I don't have a problem.
It's just not funny.

673
00:35:32,876 --> 00:35:34,043
- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.

674
00:35:34,044 --> 00:35:35,444
- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.

675
00:35:35,445 --> 00:35:37,497
- You're gay, aren't you?
- No, I'm n...

676
00:35:37,498 --> 00:35:40,149
I've got a wife
and three kids.

677
00:35:40,150 --> 00:35:42,652
Fine.

678
00:35:42,653 --> 00:35:45,004
No gay jokes.

679
00:35:45,005 --> 00:35:47,273
It's cool.

680
00:35:47,274 --> 00:35:49,708
I guess no Puerto Rican
jokes either.

681
00:35:49,709 --> 00:35:52,711
Puerto Rican?
I'm Jewish.

682
00:36:02,105 --> 00:36:04,357
Wait, hold on, hold on,
I got one.

683
00:36:04,358 --> 00:36:08,194
What do you call an open can
of tuna in a dyke's apartment?

684
00:36:08,195 --> 00:36:10,429
Potpourri.

685
00:36:10,430 --> 00:36:14,150
See, now that's funny.
That is funny.

686
00:36:14,151 --> 00:36:17,419
So we can make fun of
the carpet munchers but...

687
00:36:17,420 --> 00:36:20,790
it's cool.
I get it.

688
00:36:20,791 --> 00:36:22,792
- Get what?
- Nothing.

689
00:36:22,793 --> 00:36:25,845
That is a fabulous belt
you're wearing, by the way.

690
00:36:25,846 --> 00:36:28,580
Oh, thank you...
I know what you're doing.

691
00:36:34,988 --> 00:36:37,623
Dad, I think
my gym teacher's gay.

692
00:36:37,624 --> 00:36:39,125
Oh?

693
00:36:39,126 --> 00:36:40,876
Why do you say that?

694
00:36:40,877 --> 00:36:43,595
Because he closes his eyes
when I kiss him.

695
00:36:47,117 --> 00:36:49,485
I was so sorry to hear
about your wife.

696
00:36:49,486 --> 00:36:50,954
We were all
praying for her.

697
00:36:50,955 --> 00:36:52,488
Thanks.
Thanks so much.

698
00:36:52,489 --> 00:36:54,207
At least she's not
suffering anymore.

699
00:36:54,208 --> 00:36:56,291
She was in that coma
for so long.

700
00:36:56,292 --> 00:36:57,961
I know.

701
00:36:57,962 --> 00:37:00,797
Just when we thought
she might pull out of it...

702
00:37:00,798 --> 00:37:02,331
really?

703
00:37:02,332 --> 00:37:04,734
They did everything
they could do.

704
00:37:04,735 --> 00:37:06,736
And then
the doctor said

705
00:37:06,737 --> 00:37:08,738
some pleasurable
stimulation

706
00:37:08,739 --> 00:37:11,507
might bring her out
of her coma.

707
00:37:11,508 --> 00:37:14,243
He asked if she liked
oral sex.

708
00:37:14,244 --> 00:37:17,146
Boy, did she.

709
00:37:17,147 --> 00:37:19,148
So he said

710
00:37:19,149 --> 00:37:22,118
some really vigorous
oral action

711
00:37:22,119 --> 00:37:24,253
might take her out
of her coma.

712
00:37:24,254 --> 00:37:26,255
So I tried it.

713
00:37:26,256 --> 00:37:28,091
What happened?

714
00:37:28,092 --> 00:37:31,861
I don't know.
I think she choked.

715
00:37:31,862 --> 00:37:34,330
Oh God,
I'm so ashamed, man.

716
00:37:34,331 --> 00:37:36,599
I know I'm going to hell
for the things I've done.

717
00:37:36,600 --> 00:37:38,684
- Oh? What have you done?
- Fucked people's pets.

718
00:37:38,685 --> 00:37:41,437
Oh, that'll get you in.
You are going straight to hell.

719
00:37:41,438 --> 00:37:44,607
- How would you know?
- I'm getting my theology degree.

720
00:37:44,608 --> 00:37:47,343
- Really? Where?
- Online.

721
00:37:47,344 --> 00:37:49,345
So what do they say
about hell?

722
00:37:49,346 --> 00:37:52,047
Well, it's really not so bad.
Do you like to get high?

723
00:37:52,048 --> 00:37:54,333
- Love it.
- Well, you're gonna love Mondays.

724
00:37:54,334 --> 00:37:56,602
On Mondays
it's 420 all the time.

725
00:37:56,603 --> 00:37:59,405
You can get as high as you want.
You can do as much drugs as you want.

726
00:37:59,406 --> 00:38:01,674
You won't overdose 'cause
you're already dead.

727
00:38:01,700 --> 00:38:02,241
Sweet.

728
00:38:02,242 --> 00:38:03,909
- Do you like to gamble?
- You bet.

729
00:38:03,910 --> 00:38:05,477
Well, you will
love Tuesdays,

730
00:38:05,478 --> 00:38:07,479
'cause you can gamble all you
want and lose all your money.

731
00:38:07,480 --> 00:38:09,248
'Cause you don't need money
in the afterlife.

732
00:38:09,249 --> 00:38:11,150
No alimony.

733
00:38:11,151 --> 00:38:13,486
- And are you gay?
- Fuck no, I'm not gay.

734
00:38:13,487 --> 00:38:16,422
Then you won't like
Wednesdays.

735
00:38:18,675 --> 00:38:20,860
I love you, man.

736
00:38:20,861 --> 00:38:23,529
I love you, man.

737
00:38:23,530 --> 00:38:25,331
I just love you
so much.

738
00:38:25,332 --> 00:38:28,634
I wish I could
love you that much.

739
00:38:30,737 --> 00:38:32,538
Oh shit.

740
00:38:32,539 --> 00:38:35,624
Oh fuck fuck fuck.
My wife's gonna kill me.

741
00:38:35,625 --> 00:38:37,543
Don't sweat it.

742
00:38:37,544 --> 00:38:39,895
No no no, she's gonna
fucking kill me.

743
00:38:39,896 --> 00:38:43,065
I promised her
I wouldn't drink.

744
00:38:43,066 --> 00:38:45,617
Now she's gonna
fucking divorce me.

745
00:38:45,618 --> 00:38:49,121
No no, check this out.
This is what you do.

746
00:38:49,122 --> 00:38:50,672
- Tell her...
- Cut.

747
00:38:50,673 --> 00:38:51,974
Sorry.
I'm sorry.

748
00:38:51,975 --> 00:38:53,692
This guy is awful.

749
00:38:53,693 --> 00:38:56,428
The truth is,
my hands were tied.

750
00:38:56,429 --> 00:38:58,730
He's the midget's brother.
It was a package deal.

751
00:38:58,731 --> 00:39:01,433
- Why do we even need the midget?
- Oh, gotta have a midget.

752
00:39:01,434 --> 00:39:03,819
Yes, but why do we
need that midget?

753
00:39:03,820 --> 00:39:06,071
Oh.

754
00:39:06,072 --> 00:39:08,174
That midget, my friend...

755
00:39:08,175 --> 00:39:11,560
oh, that midget...

756
00:39:11,561 --> 00:39:15,431
you have no idea.

757
00:39:15,432 --> 00:39:17,967
Like a mongoose,

758
00:39:17,968 --> 00:39:20,319
a shaved little
mongoose.

759
00:39:20,320 --> 00:39:22,905
Thank you.

760
00:39:22,906 --> 00:39:24,856
Do you know they make
special harnesses?

761
00:39:24,857 --> 00:39:26,892
Please please
please stop.

762
00:39:26,893 --> 00:39:28,510
- Oh fuck.
- Oh my God.

763
00:39:28,511 --> 00:39:31,930
Oh fuck fuck fuck.
My wife's gonna kill me.

764
00:39:31,931 --> 00:39:34,266
"Don't sweat it." Cut!

765
00:39:34,267 --> 00:39:37,069
- Don't sw... sorry. I'm sorry.
- That's all right.

766
00:39:52,986 --> 00:39:55,404
You fucking asshole.
I knew you'd stay out

767
00:39:55,405 --> 00:39:57,907
getting wasted
with your friends.

768
00:39:59,576 --> 00:40:01,710
Some guy got sick
on my shirt

769
00:40:01,711 --> 00:40:04,029
and he gave me 20 bucks
to get it cleaned.

770
00:40:04,030 --> 00:40:06,749
Oh really?

771
00:40:06,750 --> 00:40:08,885
What's the other
20 for?

772
00:40:08,886 --> 00:40:12,722
That is from the guy

773
00:40:12,723 --> 00:40:15,424
- who took a shit in my pants.

774
00:40:15,425 --> 00:40:18,427
Why don't women in San
Francisco wear miniskirts?

775
00:40:18,428 --> 00:40:21,564
Because you'd see
their balls.

776
00:40:21,565 --> 00:40:23,449
I always knew
you were crazy,

777
00:40:23,450 --> 00:40:26,151
but now I see
you're nuts.

778
00:40:26,152 --> 00:40:27,936
Surprised, little boy?

779
00:40:30,040 --> 00:40:32,441
- Hello, father.
- Hello, doctor.

780
00:40:32,442 --> 00:40:34,543
I've got good news
and I've got bad news.

781
00:40:34,544 --> 00:40:37,513
Okay, give me
the bad news first.

782
00:40:37,514 --> 00:40:40,716
The bad news is
you have terminal cancer.

783
00:40:40,717 --> 00:40:42,952
- Oh my God.
- It metastasized through your system

784
00:40:42,953 --> 00:40:44,687
and there's nothing
we can do.

785
00:40:44,688 --> 00:40:47,072
So what's
the good news?

786
00:40:47,073 --> 00:40:49,992
You know the nurse that
brings you your medication?

787
00:40:49,993 --> 00:40:51,844
- Yeah.
- I'm fucking her.

788
00:40:51,845 --> 00:40:53,045
Oh lord.

789
00:40:54,297 --> 00:40:56,215
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

790
00:40:56,216 --> 00:40:59,151
Here's one for you...
what do you call a black hitchhiker?

791
00:40:59,152 --> 00:41:01,053
Stranded.

792
00:41:01,054 --> 00:41:02,838
Thank you.
Thank you very much.

793
00:41:02,839 --> 00:41:04,840
Why did God invent
the orgasm?

794
00:41:04,841 --> 00:41:07,843
So black people would know
when to stop fucking.

795
00:41:07,844 --> 00:41:10,012
Hey, tough crowd.

796
00:41:10,013 --> 00:41:11,797
Hey, looky here,
I got another one for you.

797
00:41:11,798 --> 00:41:14,616
Say, what's long and hard
on a black man?

798
00:41:14,617 --> 00:41:16,018
Hey.

799
00:41:16,019 --> 00:41:18,337
Ha! Third grade.
Get it?

800
00:41:18,338 --> 00:41:20,573
Isn't he great?

801
00:41:20,574 --> 00:41:23,676
What, you don't
like him?

802
00:41:23,677 --> 00:41:26,378
Look, we all agreed the only
safe way to tell a black joke

803
00:41:26,379 --> 00:41:28,064
is to have
a black person tell it.

804
00:41:28,065 --> 00:41:29,698
And?

805
00:41:29,699 --> 00:41:32,734
Well, we couldn't find a black
person willing to do that.

806
00:41:32,735 --> 00:41:34,103
Yeah, it's called
self-respect.

807
00:41:34,104 --> 00:41:35,504
Yeah, so I got to
thinking about

808
00:41:35,505 --> 00:41:37,673
all the great ventriloquist
teams of our times...

809
00:41:37,674 --> 00:41:40,709
your bergen and McCarthys,
your Simon and Garfunkels.

810
00:41:40,710 --> 00:41:42,711
And it hits me...
you get a black puppet,

811
00:41:42,712 --> 00:41:45,247
he'll be the one
telling the jokes.

812
00:41:45,248 --> 00:41:47,716
And why the clansman?

813
00:41:47,717 --> 00:41:49,051
Irony.

814
00:41:49,052 --> 00:41:50,486
Give us another.

815
00:41:50,487 --> 00:41:53,556
What did the black lady get
when she had an abortion?

816
00:41:53,557 --> 00:41:56,792
A $500 check
from crime stoppers.

817
00:41:58,344 --> 00:42:00,195
Good night.
Try the Chitlins.

818
00:42:00,196 --> 00:42:02,214
Look at that. You can't
even see his lips move.

819
00:42:02,215 --> 00:42:04,216
That's because
he's wearing a hood.

820
00:42:04,217 --> 00:42:05,718
I know.
Isn't it great?

821
00:42:05,719 --> 00:42:07,687
Could you take
the hood off, please?

822
00:42:11,558 --> 00:42:13,792
What the...
he's a goddamn chinaman.

823
00:42:13,793 --> 00:42:16,362
Hey hey!
Hey.

824
00:42:16,363 --> 00:42:18,497
A little sensitivity.

825
00:42:18,498 --> 00:42:21,199
Wing Thai is no chinaman.

826
00:42:21,200 --> 00:42:24,035
He's a Singaporean.

827
00:42:50,463 --> 00:42:52,230
That's a team player.

828
00:42:52,231 --> 00:42:54,466
Did he just call me
a limp dick?

829
00:42:58,755 --> 00:43:01,473
Boys, would you
look at that?

830
00:43:04,310 --> 00:43:06,711
I wish
I could do that.

831
00:43:08,865 --> 00:43:11,033
I think you'd better
pet him first.

832
00:43:12,235 --> 00:43:14,286
I fucked your mother.

833
00:43:15,672 --> 00:43:18,323
Go home, dad.
You're drunk.

834
00:43:18,324 --> 00:43:20,692
You know what you want
there, fellas?

835
00:43:20,693 --> 00:43:23,112
Yeah, I'll just have
the hamburger.

836
00:43:23,113 --> 00:43:25,447
And I will have
the hot dog.

837
00:43:25,448 --> 00:43:28,050
Sure thing.
Coming up.

838
00:43:32,088 --> 00:43:34,573
Be careful...
a hot plate.

839
00:43:41,247 --> 00:43:42,681
There you go.

840
00:43:42,682 --> 00:43:46,652
Uh, why was my hamburger
under your arm?

841
00:43:46,653 --> 00:43:49,554
I was keeping it
warm for you.

842
00:43:49,555 --> 00:43:51,173
Let's cancel
that hot dog.

843
00:43:55,028 --> 00:43:57,413
Wrong names.

844
00:43:57,414 --> 00:43:59,097
Wrong.

845
00:43:59,098 --> 00:44:01,383
Wrong.
Wrong.

846
00:44:01,384 --> 00:44:03,785
Wrong.
Wrong. Wrong.

847
00:44:03,786 --> 00:44:05,521
Hey, teach,
you got a light?

848
00:44:05,522 --> 00:44:08,257
Johnny, when did you
start smoking?

849
00:44:08,258 --> 00:44:09,508
The first time
I got laid.

850
00:44:09,509 --> 00:44:11,827
When was that?

851
00:44:11,828 --> 00:44:14,279
I don't remember.
I was drunk.

852
00:44:24,357 --> 00:44:25,790
Hello.

853
00:44:25,791 --> 00:44:27,892
Hello, son.
How you doing?

854
00:44:27,893 --> 00:44:29,694
I'm doing good.

855
00:44:29,695 --> 00:44:32,231
How is your rotation? Have you
decided on a specialty yet?

856
00:44:32,232 --> 00:44:34,233
I think I'm gonna go
into gynecology.

857
00:44:34,234 --> 00:44:36,235
Gynecology?
Why gynecology?

858
00:44:36,236 --> 00:44:38,403
I hear there's
lots of openings.

859
00:44:38,404 --> 00:44:41,707
Excuse me, may I
ask you a question?

860
00:44:41,708 --> 00:44:43,074
Yeah, sure.

861
00:44:43,075 --> 00:44:45,143
If you woke up at the
top of a Mountain

862
00:44:45,144 --> 00:44:47,696
in the middle of a
snowdrift with a black eye

863
00:44:47,697 --> 00:44:51,583
and a stinging pain
in your rectum,

864
00:44:51,584 --> 00:44:55,320
would you
tell anyone?

865
00:44:55,321 --> 00:44:57,506
Fuck no.

866
00:44:57,507 --> 00:44:59,475
Really?

867
00:44:59,476 --> 00:45:01,710
Would you like
to go skiing?

868
00:45:06,967 --> 00:45:08,968
Hey, babe,

869
00:45:08,969 --> 00:45:12,904
how about tonight?
You wanna fuck?

870
00:45:12,905 --> 00:45:16,007
I have a follow-up visit
with the gynecologist.

871
00:45:28,004 --> 00:45:29,972
Are you seeing
the proctologist?

872
00:45:33,109 --> 00:45:36,127
What do you have for me? And please
give me something we can use.

873
00:45:36,128 --> 00:45:38,213
Okay okay,
how about this?

874
00:45:38,214 --> 00:45:40,516
What do you get
when you take a baby...

875
00:45:40,517 --> 00:45:43,185
eh eh eh! I said
no dead baby jokes.

876
00:45:43,186 --> 00:45:45,120
- But it's not a dead baby joke.
- Save it.

877
00:45:45,121 --> 00:45:47,656
- It's not... it's not a dead baby joke.
- Uh-huh.

878
00:45:47,657 --> 00:45:50,676
It's not.
It's alive.

879
00:45:50,677 --> 00:45:52,278
What?

880
00:45:52,279 --> 00:45:55,547
The baby...
when you do the thing

881
00:45:57,383 --> 00:45:59,451
with the baby,

882
00:45:59,452 --> 00:46:00,886
it's alive.

883
00:46:00,887 --> 00:46:03,555
You're a sick fuck.

884
00:46:03,556 --> 00:46:05,407
No, I'm not.
Listen to this.

885
00:46:05,408 --> 00:46:07,676
- What do you get when you take a baby...
- I don't want to hear it.

886
00:46:07,677 --> 00:46:09,595
- What do you get when you take a baby...
- No, stop.

887
00:46:09,596 --> 00:46:12,497
I'm not listening.
I'm not li... la-la la-la la!

888
00:46:12,498 --> 00:46:15,267
La la la la la la
la la la la la!

889
00:46:15,268 --> 00:46:19,805
La la la la
la la la la la la la!

890
00:46:19,806 --> 00:46:23,075
He's right.
It's not dead.

891
00:46:23,076 --> 00:46:25,277
I don't want to hear it!
I don't want to know!

892
00:46:25,278 --> 00:46:28,146
- I don't want to hear it!
- But it's really funny.

893
00:46:28,147 --> 00:46:30,666
I don't care.
We are filming this.

894
00:46:30,667 --> 00:46:32,751
How are you gonna film
a dead baby joke?

895
00:46:32,752 --> 00:46:34,620
A stunt baby?

896
00:46:36,055 --> 00:46:38,574
You just don't
understand funny.

897
00:46:38,575 --> 00:46:40,659
Dead baby jokes
are not funny.

898
00:46:40,660 --> 00:46:42,544
- But it's not dead.
- Drop it!

899
00:46:43,979 --> 00:46:46,966
It's not
a dead baby joke.

900
00:46:46,967 --> 00:46:48,867
I heard that.

901
00:46:51,804 --> 00:46:54,106
You really think a baby
could survive that?

902
00:46:55,725 --> 00:46:57,843
So I told her,
"ass, gas or grass, bitch.

903
00:46:57,844 --> 00:46:59,845
Nobody rides for free."

904
00:46:59,846 --> 00:47:02,113
Hey, Brian.

905
00:47:02,114 --> 00:47:03,182
Do I know you?

906
00:47:03,183 --> 00:47:06,268
Um, it's Blair,
remember?

907
00:47:06,269 --> 00:47:08,504
I met you here
at the toga party.

908
00:47:08,505 --> 00:47:11,590
We went up to your
room, remember?

909
00:47:11,591 --> 00:47:14,276
You told me
I was a good sport.

910
00:47:14,277 --> 00:47:17,045
Hey, Blair baby,
how are you doing?

911
00:47:17,046 --> 00:47:19,314
Well, I'm pregnant...

912
00:47:19,315 --> 00:47:21,182
Oh shit.

913
00:47:21,183 --> 00:47:23,485
...and I think
I'm gonna kill myself.

914
00:47:23,486 --> 00:47:26,004
Wow, you really are
a good sport.

915
00:47:30,477 --> 00:47:32,478
May I ask you
a question?

916
00:47:32,479 --> 00:47:34,480
Sure.

917
00:47:34,481 --> 00:47:36,715
If you woke up in the
middle of the woods

918
00:47:36,716 --> 00:47:38,801
with your pants
around your ankles

919
00:47:38,802 --> 00:47:42,304
and vaseline smeared
all over your ass,

920
00:47:42,305 --> 00:47:44,222
would you
tell anyone?

921
00:47:44,223 --> 00:47:45,674
Fuck no.

922
00:47:45,675 --> 00:47:47,692
Really?

923
00:47:47,693 --> 00:47:50,011
Would you like
to go camping?

924
00:47:53,149 --> 00:47:56,751
What's the difference
between erotic and kinky?

925
00:47:56,752 --> 00:47:58,770
Erotic...
you use a feather.

926
00:47:58,771 --> 00:48:01,556
Kinky... you use
the whole chicken.

927
00:48:04,794 --> 00:48:06,412
You see, honey,

928
00:48:06,413 --> 00:48:09,465
this is the pig that I fuck
when you have a headache.

929
00:48:09,466 --> 00:48:11,667
You idiot,

930
00:48:11,668 --> 00:48:14,887
that's a chicken,
not a pig.

931
00:48:14,888 --> 00:48:17,088
I wasn't
talking to you.

932
00:48:22,211 --> 00:48:24,446
What the fuck? What do you
mean, you have no money?

933
00:48:24,447 --> 00:48:26,948
I got the board
to sign off on this.

934
00:48:26,949 --> 00:48:29,868
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's my
guy with the jerk-off emporium.

935
00:48:29,869 --> 00:48:32,371
He's having some
liquidity issues.

936
00:48:32,372 --> 00:48:33,906
What the hell
does that mean?

937
00:48:33,907 --> 00:48:35,573
He's been sent
to federal prison.

938
00:48:35,574 --> 00:48:37,375
Oh Jesus.

939
00:48:37,376 --> 00:48:39,328
Prostitution?

940
00:48:39,329 --> 00:48:40,812
Actually no.
It turns out

941
00:48:40,813 --> 00:48:43,214
his jerk-off booths weren't
handicapped-accessible.

942
00:48:43,215 --> 00:48:46,050
What the fuck?
I can't get in here.

943
00:48:46,051 --> 00:48:48,052
The supreme court ruling
came down yesterday...

944
00:48:48,053 --> 00:48:49,905
"Harrison vs. Ladyfingers."

945
00:48:49,906 --> 00:48:51,790
A five-to-four ruling.

946
00:48:51,791 --> 00:48:53,942
Clarence Thomas was
the deciding vote.

947
00:48:53,943 --> 00:48:55,693
Go figure.

948
00:48:55,694 --> 00:48:57,479
Well, where does
that leave us?

949
00:48:57,480 --> 00:49:00,132
We always got
plan B.

950
00:49:00,133 --> 00:49:02,801
It's not the lowest
we've sunk.

951
00:49:02,802 --> 00:49:04,202
Okay, Morty,
thanks for dropping by.

952
00:49:04,203 --> 00:49:06,271
Thanks for the news.
Get out of here. We'll call.

953
00:49:06,272 --> 00:49:08,573
Okay, I can fix it with the jerk-off king.
I just need a day or two.

954
00:49:08,574 --> 00:49:10,108
We're fine.
I'll call you. I'll call you.

955
00:49:10,109 --> 00:49:12,027
Can I talk to you guys
for a second?

956
00:49:12,028 --> 00:49:13,739
We're kind of in the
middle of something, pal.

957
00:49:13,765 --> 00:49:14,613
It's pretty urgent.

958
00:49:14,614 --> 00:49:17,416
I've been doing the projections and we don't
have enough money to finish the shoot.

959
00:49:17,417 --> 00:49:19,384
How bad is it?

960
00:49:27,610 --> 00:49:31,129
For starters, we have to
pull all the midget jokes.

961
00:49:31,130 --> 00:49:33,031
You fucking asshole.

962
00:49:33,032 --> 00:49:34,232
Ah.

963
00:49:34,233 --> 00:49:35,701
Fucking asshole.

964
00:49:35,702 --> 00:49:37,402
You little
punch fucker.

965
00:49:37,403 --> 00:49:39,655
Eh, they're uppity.
We don't need their attitude.

966
00:49:39,656 --> 00:49:43,441
I loved that midget.

967
00:49:43,442 --> 00:49:45,410
You fucked her.

968
00:49:47,546 --> 00:49:49,614
Losing the midget is
gonna hurt us overseas.

969
00:49:49,615 --> 00:49:52,968
What do you need?
Without the midget.

970
00:49:52,969 --> 00:49:56,271
I'm gonna need
an extra $217.

971
00:49:58,141 --> 00:50:00,142
Well...

972
00:50:00,143 --> 00:50:01,910
That's not
gonna happen.

973
00:50:01,911 --> 00:50:04,646
It's gotta happen.
I've cut every corner possible.

974
00:50:04,647 --> 00:50:07,132
And all the sets are starting
to look vaguely familiar.

975
00:50:07,133 --> 00:50:08,350
Stop worrying.

976
00:50:08,351 --> 00:50:10,285
We thought
this might come up.

977
00:50:10,286 --> 00:50:11,302
What's this?

978
00:50:11,303 --> 00:50:12,988
- Plan B.
- Market research.

979
00:50:12,989 --> 00:50:14,522
- What for?
- To sell commercials.

980
00:50:14,523 --> 00:50:17,092
- Commercials?
- Commercials.

981
00:50:17,093 --> 00:50:18,726
- You want to sell commercials?
- Yeah.

982
00:50:18,727 --> 00:50:20,512
- In a movie?
- Never been done.

983
00:50:20,513 --> 00:50:23,598
Well, don't you think there's
a good reason for that?

984
00:50:23,599 --> 00:50:26,685
Oh, they're not commercials
exactly, more like sponsorships.

985
00:50:26,686 --> 00:50:28,920
You take the most
expensive jokes

986
00:50:28,921 --> 00:50:31,690
and you have them underwritten
by a corporate sponsor,

987
00:50:31,691 --> 00:50:34,459
- like...
- P.B.S.

988
00:50:34,460 --> 00:50:36,311
Right, so for instance

989
00:50:36,312 --> 00:50:39,214
"this evening's violent
gay butt-rape joke

990
00:50:39,215 --> 00:50:42,651
will be brought to you by the American
musical theater association."

991
00:50:42,652 --> 00:50:43,818
- You got it.
- Exactly.

992
00:50:43,819 --> 00:50:45,687
Yeah well,
while you're at it,

993
00:50:45,688 --> 00:50:48,857
all your black jokes can be
paid for with malt liquor ads.

994
00:50:48,858 --> 00:50:51,143
Actually, that's what
the market research says.

995
00:50:51,144 --> 00:50:53,962
I was kidding.
I have to be careful, you know.

996
00:50:53,963 --> 00:50:55,947
Some of my best friends
are black.

997
00:50:58,584 --> 00:51:00,685
Okay, you're right.
They're not.

998
00:51:00,686 --> 00:51:02,487
It'll be fine.

999
00:51:02,488 --> 00:51:04,506
The commercials
will be done tastefully.

1000
00:51:04,507 --> 00:51:08,326
Seamlessly. The audience won't
even know it's happening.

1001
00:51:10,029 --> 00:51:12,731
When I was a
boy, growing up here

1002
00:51:12,732 --> 00:51:15,334
in the smoky mountains
of Tennessee,

1003
00:51:15,335 --> 00:51:18,503
my grandpa used to take me
trout fishing.

1004
00:51:18,504 --> 00:51:21,005
And every fishing trip
we'd take,

1005
00:51:21,006 --> 00:51:23,275
he'd be sure
to bring along

1006
00:51:23,276 --> 00:51:26,578
a can
of little Vienna sausages.

1007
00:51:26,579 --> 00:51:29,548
'Cause
little Vienna sausages

1008
00:51:29,549 --> 00:51:32,284
are more than just
artificial gelatin

1009
00:51:32,285 --> 00:51:34,686
and leftover
cattle feces.

1010
00:51:34,687 --> 00:51:37,122
They're a part
of growing up.

1011
00:51:37,123 --> 00:51:39,124
Around lunchtime

1012
00:51:39,125 --> 00:51:41,126
I'd go digging
in his rucksack

1013
00:51:41,127 --> 00:51:43,595
and I'd eat up
the whole can.

1014
00:51:43,596 --> 00:51:46,064
Boy, it'd give me
the shits

1015
00:51:46,065 --> 00:51:47,833
something terrible.

1016
00:51:47,834 --> 00:51:51,036
I guess I was just too
young to know better.

1017
00:51:51,037 --> 00:51:53,838
And grandpa...
well, by that point

1018
00:51:53,839 --> 00:51:56,558
he was just too drunk
to care.

1019
00:51:56,559 --> 00:51:59,494
We never did catch
many fish,

1020
00:51:59,495 --> 00:52:03,164
but it didn't matter
so much.

1021
00:52:03,165 --> 00:52:06,200
Thanks to my
little Vienna sausages,

1022
00:52:06,201 --> 00:52:09,137
I'd usually be stuck
on the toilet

1023
00:52:09,138 --> 00:52:13,341
by the time grandpa started
ranting about communism

1024
00:52:13,342 --> 00:52:16,627
and beating his woman.

1025
00:52:16,628 --> 00:52:18,580
Little Vienna sausages.

1026
00:52:18,581 --> 00:52:22,251
Just a little taste
of America.

1027
00:52:28,558 --> 00:52:30,642
I'm telling you,
my guy's gonna come through.

1028
00:52:30,643 --> 00:52:32,744
Morty, look, little Vienna
sausages came through.

1029
00:52:32,745 --> 00:52:34,980
Between the commercials and
product placements, we're fine.

1030
00:52:34,981 --> 00:52:36,715
- So I can take the whole box?
- Please.

1031
00:52:36,716 --> 00:52:39,517
Look who's living large. So what are
you gonna do with all this money?

1032
00:52:39,518 --> 00:52:41,452
Are you gonna get a big
movie star for your movie?

1033
00:52:41,453 --> 00:52:42,954
I hear Rod Steiger's
out of work.

1034
00:52:42,955 --> 00:52:44,288
Rod Steiger's dead.

1035
00:52:44,289 --> 00:52:47,125
Right, there you go.
How about Scott Baio?

1036
00:52:47,126 --> 00:52:48,627
Eh.

1037
00:52:48,628 --> 00:52:50,328
- Fred Thompson?
- No.

1038
00:52:50,329 --> 00:52:51,696
Richard Gere.

1039
00:52:51,697 --> 00:52:53,598
Richard Gere? "An officer and
a gentleman" Richard Gere?

1040
00:52:53,599 --> 00:52:56,067
What the hell would he do with
racist bestiality joke movie?

1041
00:52:56,068 --> 00:52:58,069
I don't know.
He might be into it.

1042
00:52:58,070 --> 00:53:00,338
- You've heard those stories about him.
- What stories?

1043
00:53:00,339 --> 00:53:01,940
- You know.
- Know what?

1044
00:53:01,941 --> 00:53:04,710
- He put Goebbels up his ass.
- He did what?

1045
00:53:04,711 --> 00:53:07,012
Goebbels... he put
Goebbels up his ass.

1046
00:53:07,013 --> 00:53:08,713
- Goebbels?
- Yeah.

1047
00:53:08,714 --> 00:53:11,099
Yeah, Goebbels...
the German guy.

1048
00:53:12,285 --> 00:53:14,252
- Joseph Goebbels?
- That's him.

1049
00:53:14,253 --> 00:53:16,855
- The Nazi minister of propaganda?
- That's him. That's the guy.

1050
00:53:16,856 --> 00:53:19,507
Richard Gere put
Joseph Goebbels up his ass?

1051
00:53:19,508 --> 00:53:20,935
Yeah, that's how they
got him out of Germany.

1052
00:53:20,961 --> 00:53:21,292
What?

1053
00:53:21,293 --> 00:53:23,094
- At the end of the war...
- Yeah?

1054
00:53:23,095 --> 00:53:24,963
...when they were smuggling
Goebbels to Argentina...

1055
00:53:24,989 --> 00:53:25,430
Right.

1056
00:53:25,431 --> 00:53:28,316
...the only way to get Goebbels out of
Germany was inside Richard Gere's ass.

1057
00:53:28,317 --> 00:53:29,851
Richard Gere?
The Richard Gere?

1058
00:53:29,852 --> 00:53:31,486
- The guy from "pretty woman"?
- The very same.

1059
00:53:31,487 --> 00:53:34,356
Went from Berlin to Buenos Aires
with Joseph Goebbels up his ass?

1060
00:53:34,357 --> 00:53:36,041
I know.
Ain't it crazy?

1061
00:53:36,042 --> 00:53:37,975
- You know? What do you know?
- Everybody knows.

1062
00:53:37,976 --> 00:53:40,011
- He wasn't even around then.
- When?

1063
00:53:40,012 --> 00:53:41,963
- At the same time as Goebbels.
- Says who?

1064
00:53:41,964 --> 00:53:43,665
Says nobody.
He hadn't been born yet.

1065
00:53:43,666 --> 00:53:45,917
Then let me ask you, why would
my Uncle make all this up?

1066
00:53:45,918 --> 00:53:47,252
- Your Uncle?
- My Uncle.

1067
00:53:47,253 --> 00:53:48,519
What's your Uncle
got to do with it?

1068
00:53:48,520 --> 00:53:50,455
- He worked at the hospital.
- What hospital?

1069
00:53:50,456 --> 00:53:52,474
The hospital where they
had to remove Goebbels.

1070
00:53:52,475 --> 00:53:54,442
- What?
- He got stuck.

1071
00:53:54,443 --> 00:53:55,994
- Oh, stop it.
- Yeah.

1072
00:53:55,995 --> 00:53:57,429
- Come on.
- I'm telling you.

1073
00:53:57,430 --> 00:53:59,247
He put Goebbels up there and
then he couldn't get him out.

1074
00:53:59,248 --> 00:54:01,556
You're telling me Richard
Gere had Goebbels...

1075
00:54:01,582 --> 00:54:02,133
Yeah.

1076
00:54:02,134 --> 00:54:04,252
...jammed so far up there,
he couldn't get him out

1077
00:54:04,253 --> 00:54:06,187
- without the help of major surgery?
- That is correct.

1078
00:54:06,188 --> 00:54:08,005
- Oh please!
- I'm telling you.

1079
00:54:08,006 --> 00:54:09,724
- He's a devout Buddhist.
- So?

1080
00:54:09,725 --> 00:54:11,926
So why would a devout Buddhist go
and shove Goebbels up his ass?

1081
00:54:11,927 --> 00:54:13,678
I don't know. Maybe he's
some kind of pervert.

1082
00:54:13,679 --> 00:54:15,563
- These movies stars are pretty freaky.
- Not that freaky.

1083
00:54:15,564 --> 00:54:18,300
- What, you know Richard Gere?
- No, I do not know Richard Gere.

1084
00:54:18,301 --> 00:54:20,969
But I do know Richard Gere did
not do nothing with no Goebbels.

1085
00:54:20,970 --> 00:54:23,722
- That's crazy.
- Well...

1086
00:54:23,723 --> 00:54:25,456
My cousin though...
he was at that party

1087
00:54:25,457 --> 00:54:28,026
where rod Stewart swallowed all that
jizz and had to have his stomach pumped.

1088
00:54:28,027 --> 00:54:30,345
Now that's true.
Everybody knows that.

1089
00:54:34,500 --> 00:54:35,800
Hello.

1090
00:54:35,801 --> 00:54:37,435
- Mr. Albertson?
- Yes.

1091
00:54:37,436 --> 00:54:39,804
Yeah, this is sheriff Duncan
down at the station.

1092
00:54:39,805 --> 00:54:41,740
It's about your son.

1093
00:54:41,741 --> 00:54:45,076
I'm afraid I've got
good news and bad news.

1094
00:54:45,077 --> 00:54:47,045
What's the bad news?

1095
00:54:47,046 --> 00:54:51,116
Well, your son, it turns
out, was a tranny.

1096
00:54:51,117 --> 00:54:53,869
He was dressing up
in ladies' clothes

1097
00:54:53,870 --> 00:54:55,871
and hanging out
down by the docks

1098
00:54:55,872 --> 00:54:59,707
and tricking longshoremen into
letting him give 'em blow jobs.

1099
00:54:59,708 --> 00:55:01,125
What's the good news?

1100
00:55:01,126 --> 00:55:04,429
Oh, the good news is
he's been murdered.

1101
00:55:06,648 --> 00:55:08,116
Hi.

1102
00:55:08,117 --> 00:55:09,467
I'll take
a gin and tonic.

1103
00:55:13,806 --> 00:55:15,556
- What's that?
- Just try it.

1104
00:55:20,229 --> 00:55:22,497
That tastes like gin.

1105
00:55:22,498 --> 00:55:23,782
Turn it around.

1106
00:55:27,219 --> 00:55:28,719
That tastes like tonic.

1107
00:55:30,356 --> 00:55:32,157
Okay, how about
a vodka, orange juice?

1108
00:55:39,448 --> 00:55:40,982
That's vodka.

1109
00:55:40,983 --> 00:55:42,333
Turn it around.

1110
00:55:43,869 --> 00:55:45,870
That's orange juice.
That's amazing.

1111
00:55:45,871 --> 00:55:48,173
- Pretty neat, huh?
- Yeah, I'll say.

1112
00:55:48,174 --> 00:55:51,909
You seem to be
a smart girl.

1113
00:55:51,910 --> 00:55:53,945
You know where I can
get some pussy around here?

1114
00:56:02,872 --> 00:56:06,424
Jesus!
That tastes like shit.

1115
00:56:06,425 --> 00:56:07,825
Turn it around.

1116
00:56:19,037 --> 00:56:22,840
I have bad news
and I have really bad news.

1117
00:56:22,841 --> 00:56:24,826
What's the really
bad news?

1118
00:56:24,827 --> 00:56:27,829
You have terminal cancer.
You only have six months to live.

1119
00:56:27,830 --> 00:56:31,800
- What's the bad news?
- You have Alzheimer's.

1120
00:56:33,152 --> 00:56:35,637
Well, at least
I don't have cancer.

1121
00:56:45,748 --> 00:56:48,233
- You wanted to see me?
- Come on in.

1122
00:56:48,234 --> 00:56:49,551
Is there a problem?

1123
00:56:49,552 --> 00:56:51,469
No, no problem,

1124
00:56:51,470 --> 00:56:53,572
a concern.

1125
00:56:53,573 --> 00:56:56,190
Now you know the jokes you sent me?
Some very funny stuff,

1126
00:56:56,191 --> 00:56:59,093
but they're not
very sexy.

1127
00:56:59,094 --> 00:57:01,112
Well, we're not making
some sort of...

1128
00:57:01,113 --> 00:57:02,413
- No.
- ...Soft-core porn thing.

1129
00:57:02,414 --> 00:57:04,416
No, but you gotta
keep your eye

1130
00:57:04,417 --> 00:57:06,417
on the target audience...

1131
00:57:06,418 --> 00:57:08,219
the marginally educated,

1132
00:57:08,220 --> 00:57:12,089
the easily led,
bigoted,

1133
00:57:12,090 --> 00:57:15,259
your stoners,
the hopelessly immature.

1134
00:57:15,260 --> 00:57:17,328
- Americans?
- Yes.

1135
00:57:17,329 --> 00:57:19,230
So let me just show you
what I'm thinking here.

1136
00:57:19,231 --> 00:57:21,232
Dollface, come on up.

1137
00:57:21,233 --> 00:57:23,768
This is Tiffany.

1138
00:57:23,769 --> 00:57:25,654
She's new
to the business.

1139
00:57:25,655 --> 00:57:27,488
Been out here, what,
six months now?

1140
00:57:27,489 --> 00:57:29,190
- Eight years.
- Right.

1141
00:57:29,191 --> 00:57:32,226
A very talented kid.
I met her at this thing.

1142
00:57:32,227 --> 00:57:37,331
But, I don't know,
I want to use her somehow.

1143
00:57:37,332 --> 00:57:39,000
Well, I don't know exactly...

1144
00:57:39,001 --> 00:57:41,569
well, since you're asking,
this is what I was thinking...

1145
00:57:41,570 --> 00:57:44,839
you know those bumpers that we
got in between the scenes...

1146
00:57:44,840 --> 00:57:47,475
you know, man-on-the-street-
telling-the-joke kind of stuff?

1147
00:57:47,476 --> 00:57:49,243
Well, Tiffany here
is a dancer...

1148
00:57:49,244 --> 00:57:51,412
does stag nights,
bat mitzvahs, whatnot.

1149
00:57:51,413 --> 00:57:54,332
So I'm thinking
she comes on out

1150
00:57:54,333 --> 00:57:56,551
- in between the scenes...
- Uh-huh.

1151
00:57:56,552 --> 00:57:58,803
...dances a little bit,

1152
00:58:00,539 --> 00:58:02,607
and then
tells a joke.

1153
00:58:02,608 --> 00:58:05,376
Well, I guess

1154
00:58:05,377 --> 00:58:07,979
it's very sort of
postmodern vaudevillian.

1155
00:58:07,980 --> 00:58:09,397
That's exactly
what I was thinking.

1156
00:58:09,398 --> 00:58:11,099
That's exactly what I said.
Didn't I, honey?

1157
00:58:11,100 --> 00:58:13,084
I mean, with the mainstreaming
of pornography,

1158
00:58:13,085 --> 00:58:15,487
it's only natural that it
should go to vaudeville.

1159
00:58:15,488 --> 00:58:16,921
Vaudeville, right.

1160
00:58:16,922 --> 00:58:20,090
So, honey, show the man
what I taught you.

1161
00:58:22,744 --> 00:58:25,080
Baby, the other thing.

1162
00:58:25,081 --> 00:58:27,165
The other thing.

1163
00:58:27,166 --> 00:58:28,333
Oh, okay.

1164
00:58:28,334 --> 00:58:31,035
- The other thing.
- Okay.

1165
00:58:33,255 --> 00:58:36,057
How do you get
an Iraqi woman pregnant?

1166
00:58:36,058 --> 00:58:38,259
How?

1167
00:58:48,437 --> 00:58:50,337
I forgot.

1168
00:58:50,338 --> 00:58:51,690
Oh, Jesus Christ.

1169
00:58:51,691 --> 00:58:53,241
No no no, she's got it.
She's got it.

1170
00:58:53,242 --> 00:58:54,576
Come here, honey.

1171
00:58:56,979 --> 00:58:58,980
- Huh? Huh?
- Okay.

1172
00:58:58,981 --> 00:59:02,317
- Don't worry. Relax.
- Okay. Okay.

1173
00:59:02,318 --> 00:59:04,519
- All right.
- Ahem.

1174
00:59:04,520 --> 00:59:07,489
And action.

1175
00:59:07,490 --> 00:59:11,159
How do you get
an Iraqi woman pregnant?

1176
00:59:11,160 --> 00:59:14,879
Come on her feet and let
the flies do the rest.

1177
00:59:14,880 --> 00:59:19,116
Huh? Did I tell you
the kid's a natural, huh?

1178
00:59:19,117 --> 00:59:21,685
This isn't going
to Sundance, is it?

1179
00:59:21,686 --> 00:59:24,406
Not unless
we add subtitles.

1180
00:59:25,708 --> 00:59:28,042
Okay, I have good news
and bad news.

1181
00:59:28,043 --> 00:59:29,877
What's the bad news?

1182
00:59:29,878 --> 00:59:31,779
You have Alzheimer's.

1183
00:59:31,780 --> 00:59:33,147
Well, what's
the good news?

1184
00:59:33,148 --> 00:59:34,949
You can hide
your own easter eggs.

1185
00:59:36,034 --> 00:59:40,822
<i>♪ Rockets' red glare ♪</i>

1186
00:59:40,823 --> 00:59:42,156
<i>♪ you know ♪</i>

1187
00:59:42,157 --> 00:59:44,158
<i>♪ how I hate glares ♪</i>

1188
00:59:44,159 --> 00:59:47,228
<i>♪ cut the shit
with this glare, please ♪</i>

1189
00:59:47,229 --> 00:59:50,131
<i>♪ cut the glare right now,
right now, ri... ♪</i>

1190
00:59:52,151 --> 00:59:54,335
coach, you got a sec?

1191
00:59:54,336 --> 00:59:57,305
Yeah, sure. Come on in, kid.
What's on your mind?

1192
00:59:57,306 --> 01:00:00,108
Well, coach,

1193
01:00:00,109 --> 01:00:02,277
you know those supplements
you've got us on...

1194
01:00:02,278 --> 01:00:04,045
the steroids?

1195
01:00:04,046 --> 01:00:05,113
Yeah.

1196
01:00:05,114 --> 01:00:07,415
Well, I know
we want to win state,

1197
01:00:07,416 --> 01:00:09,283
but there's a problem.

1198
01:00:09,284 --> 01:00:10,869
What is it?

1199
01:00:10,870 --> 01:00:12,604
I have hair
on my chest.

1200
01:00:14,473 --> 01:00:16,807
Oh Jesus.
How far down does that go?

1201
01:00:16,808 --> 01:00:18,576
All the way
to my balls.

1202
01:00:21,447 --> 01:00:22,881
Okay, so we're
gonna schedule

1203
01:00:22,882 --> 01:00:25,550
your breast augmentation
surgery for next Wednesday.

1204
01:00:25,551 --> 01:00:27,619
- Thank you, doctor.
- You're welcome.

1205
01:00:27,620 --> 01:00:29,854
- I have one other question.
- Yes?

1206
01:00:29,855 --> 01:00:32,940
I'm leaving my husband because
he likes to fuck poultry,

1207
01:00:32,941 --> 01:00:36,194
and I read about this
hymen reconstruction surgery

1208
01:00:36,195 --> 01:00:39,063
that can restore
your virginity.

1209
01:00:39,064 --> 01:00:40,999
Does it really work?

1210
01:00:41,000 --> 01:00:43,901
Well, yes and no.

1211
01:00:43,902 --> 01:00:45,903
Think of it this way...

1212
01:00:45,904 --> 01:00:48,006
you can roll back
the odometer,

1213
01:00:48,007 --> 01:00:50,608
but you never get back
that new car smell.

1214
01:01:07,743 --> 01:01:11,579
Hey, what did the hooker
say to the chihuahua?

1215
01:01:14,499 --> 01:01:16,951
"Hey! Watch the nylons."

1216
01:01:25,410 --> 01:01:27,495
You like jokes?

1217
01:01:35,286 --> 01:01:37,772
You like blow jobs?

1218
01:01:48,684 --> 01:01:51,035
What do you call
a Mexican guy

1219
01:01:51,036 --> 01:01:53,004
with a rubber toe?

1220
01:01:53,005 --> 01:01:54,105
What?

1221
01:01:54,106 --> 01:01:55,706
Ru-ber-to.

1222
01:01:55,707 --> 01:01:57,175
No.

1223
01:01:57,176 --> 01:01:59,093
Okay, what's
red and green

1224
01:01:59,094 --> 01:02:01,128
and yellow and orange
and purple and pink?

1225
01:02:01,129 --> 01:02:03,497
- What?
- A black guy dressed for church.

1226
01:02:03,498 --> 01:02:05,333
- No.
- Okay.

1227
01:02:05,334 --> 01:02:08,152
What did the Jewish pedophile
say to the little boy?

1228
01:02:09,421 --> 01:02:12,289
"Hey, little boy,
wanna buy some candy?"

1229
01:02:14,310 --> 01:02:17,361
Oh, come on,
that's funny.

1230
01:02:17,362 --> 01:02:20,114
He wants to fuck the kid, but he's
too cheap to give him the candy.

1231
01:02:20,115 --> 01:02:22,033
- It's a classic.
- It's not a classic.

1232
01:02:22,034 --> 01:02:24,301
It's bullshit.
Not all Jews are cheap.

1233
01:02:24,302 --> 01:02:25,886
Cheap?

1234
01:02:25,887 --> 01:02:28,122
That's the part of the joke that
offends you... the cheap part?

1235
01:02:28,123 --> 01:02:30,708
- Yes.
- It's okay that he's a pedophile?

1236
01:02:30,709 --> 01:02:32,209
He just can't be
a cheap pedophile?

1237
01:02:32,210 --> 01:02:33,361
Yes.

1238
01:02:34,463 --> 01:02:36,264
Explain that one.

1239
01:02:36,265 --> 01:02:39,183
There's no stereotype
of Jews as pedophiles,

1240
01:02:39,184 --> 01:02:42,403
so to say that this particular
Jewish person is a pedophile

1241
01:02:42,404 --> 01:02:45,089
does nothing to perpetuate
false generalizations

1242
01:02:45,090 --> 01:02:47,274
about the Jewish people.

1243
01:02:47,275 --> 01:02:49,526
Saying that they control the
media or that they're cheap,

1244
01:02:49,527 --> 01:02:51,129
on the other hand,
is offensive.

1245
01:02:51,130 --> 01:02:54,915
So he can diddle little boys as
long as he pays retail for them?

1246
01:02:56,235 --> 01:02:57,635
I'm done.

1247
01:02:57,636 --> 01:03:00,471
That's the problem with you
and with everyone else.

1248
01:03:00,472 --> 01:03:02,940
Everyone gets so offended
about their own stereotypes,

1249
01:03:02,941 --> 01:03:04,925
- they have no concern for anyone else.
- I have...

1250
01:03:04,926 --> 01:03:07,328
- what if I was a victim of child abuse?
- You weren't...

1251
01:03:07,329 --> 01:03:08,679
or him?

1252
01:03:10,649 --> 01:03:12,516
But that doesn't
matter to you

1253
01:03:12,517 --> 01:03:15,152
as long as your people
don't get hurt.

1254
01:03:15,153 --> 01:03:18,489
Child abuse is
a terrible thing, man.

1255
01:03:18,490 --> 01:03:21,442
It tears families apart.

1256
01:03:21,443 --> 01:03:24,094
Do you even know what the
number-one cause of pedophilia is?

1257
01:03:24,095 --> 01:03:25,579
What?

1258
01:03:25,580 --> 01:03:27,482
Sexy kids.

1259
01:03:27,483 --> 01:03:29,199
That's sick.
Go fuck yourself.

1260
01:03:29,200 --> 01:03:31,636
- Oh, come on!
- You will never work in this town again!

1261
01:03:31,637 --> 01:03:33,771
Oh yeah, like you're the one
that controls the media.

1262
01:03:33,772 --> 01:03:35,690
I have relatives!

1263
01:03:37,926 --> 01:03:40,060
Oh hey, it's okay.

1264
01:03:40,061 --> 01:03:42,563
They don't really
control the media.

1265
01:03:45,601 --> 01:03:47,602
Let's hope
they don't, huh?

1266
01:03:47,603 --> 01:03:49,437
Right.

1267
01:03:49,438 --> 01:03:51,573
What about
the Mexican jokes?

1268
01:03:51,574 --> 01:03:55,276
Oh, that's fine.
They don't control anything.

1269
01:03:55,277 --> 01:03:56,994
What is
the difference

1270
01:03:56,995 --> 01:03:59,530
between a Jew
and a canoe?

1271
01:03:59,531 --> 01:04:01,932
The canoe might tip.

1272
01:04:03,985 --> 01:04:05,736
What's the problem?

1273
01:04:05,737 --> 01:04:09,123
Every time I sneeze,
I have an orgasm.

1274
01:04:09,124 --> 01:04:10,942
Don't worry.

1275
01:04:10,943 --> 01:04:13,344
I am gonna write you
a prescription.

1276
01:04:13,345 --> 01:04:15,479
What for?

1277
01:04:15,480 --> 01:04:17,131
Pepper.

1278
01:04:18,316 --> 01:04:20,735
What do you call
a gay dinosaur?

1279
01:04:20,736 --> 01:04:23,137
A mega-sore-ass.

1280
01:04:26,858 --> 01:04:29,360
Paratrooper training...
really really rough.

1281
01:04:29,361 --> 01:04:31,946
- I almost didn't make it through.
- What happened?

1282
01:04:31,947 --> 01:04:33,898
Well, we went up
for our first jump.

1283
01:04:33,899 --> 01:04:35,132
My turn came.

1284
01:04:35,133 --> 01:04:37,068
I got right up to
the plane bay doors

1285
01:04:37,069 --> 01:04:39,737
and I panicked. I chickened out.
I couldn't do it.

1286
01:04:39,738 --> 01:04:42,506
- Holy shit.
- I back off,

1287
01:04:42,507 --> 01:04:44,408
and then my sergeant
yells at me,

1288
01:04:44,409 --> 01:04:47,712
"you jump out of this plane right now
or I'll stick my cock up your ass!"

1289
01:04:47,713 --> 01:04:48,780
Did you jump?

1290
01:04:48,781 --> 01:04:51,015
A little at first.

1291
01:04:53,218 --> 01:04:56,187
- This dancing bimbo girl.
- Mm-hmm.

1292
01:04:56,188 --> 01:04:58,556
- You already fucked her, right?
- Oh, and how.

1293
01:04:58,557 --> 01:05:01,192
Then just let it go.
Please.

1294
01:05:01,193 --> 01:05:03,895
Let me make a movie...
a real movie.

1295
01:05:03,896 --> 01:05:07,065
I'll put tits in it.
I'll put tits in it, I swear...

1296
01:05:07,066 --> 01:05:09,067
big titties,
little titties,

1297
01:05:09,068 --> 01:05:11,402
flapjack titties,
wall-to-wall titties

1298
01:05:11,403 --> 01:05:12,670
as far as the eye
can see.

1299
01:05:12,671 --> 01:05:14,839
Just let me do it
with a little taste,

1300
01:05:14,840 --> 01:05:17,008
with my vision.

1301
01:05:17,009 --> 01:05:18,976
Please.

1302
01:05:25,667 --> 01:05:27,635
It's not what
it looks like.

1303
01:05:32,807 --> 01:05:35,326
What would you rather...
a war with Iraq?

1304
01:05:35,327 --> 01:05:37,461
Or a whore with a rack?

1305
01:05:37,462 --> 01:05:40,030
Good morning, sir. Welcome to the bank.
How can I help you?

1306
01:05:40,031 --> 01:05:44,051
Hey, sugar tits. I'd like to open
a fucking account in your bank.

1307
01:05:44,052 --> 01:05:45,887
Excuse me?

1308
01:05:45,888 --> 01:05:48,305
You heard me, bitch.
I want to open

1309
01:05:48,306 --> 01:05:50,040
a fucking account
in your fucking bank.

1310
01:05:50,041 --> 01:05:52,360
I'm sorry, I'm not gonna be able
to help you if you continue

1311
01:05:52,361 --> 01:05:55,746
to speak to me like that.
Jim, I have a problem.

1312
01:05:55,747 --> 01:05:58,265
Hey, I'm Jim,
the branch manager.

1313
01:05:58,266 --> 01:05:59,500
What seems to be
the problem?

1314
01:05:59,501 --> 01:06:01,002
No fucking problem.

1315
01:06:01,003 --> 01:06:04,455
I just won $70 million
in the fucking lottery

1316
01:06:04,456 --> 01:06:07,658
and I want to put the fucking
money in your fucking bank.

1317
01:06:08,610 --> 01:06:11,012
And this cunt
won't help you?

1318
01:06:11,013 --> 01:06:12,813
You're fired.

1319
01:06:12,814 --> 01:06:15,783
What do a priest and
an Olympic silver medalist

1320
01:06:15,784 --> 01:06:17,568
have in common?

1321
01:06:17,569 --> 01:06:20,621
They both came in
a little behind.

1322
01:06:20,622 --> 01:06:24,475
Will the owner of a
1982 Ford Festiva, green and gold,

1323
01:06:24,476 --> 01:06:27,945
please move your car?
It's really fucking ugly.

1324
01:06:30,816 --> 01:06:32,800
So you're here
to donate plasma?

1325
01:06:32,801 --> 01:06:34,518
Yeah, I just got
fired from my job,

1326
01:06:34,519 --> 01:06:36,503
so I really need
the 20 bucks.

1327
01:06:36,504 --> 01:06:40,141
Well, that's too bad.
I'm here for the sperm myself.

1328
01:06:40,142 --> 01:06:41,224
You get an even 100.

1329
01:06:41,225 --> 01:06:43,060
- Really?
- Yeah.

1330
01:06:43,061 --> 01:06:45,295
Wow, that must
be nice.

1331
01:06:45,296 --> 01:06:47,364
Pays the bills,
you know.

1332
01:06:55,140 --> 01:06:56,890
Hey there.

1333
01:06:56,891 --> 01:06:59,476
So you're back to get another
20 for your plasma, huh?

1334
01:07:00,745 --> 01:07:02,680
Hm-mmm.

1335
01:07:04,349 --> 01:07:06,583
Okay, and
that's lunch, everybody.

1336
01:07:06,584 --> 01:07:08,785
Just so you know,

1337
01:07:08,786 --> 01:07:10,787
we had to cancel
the catering truck,

1338
01:07:10,788 --> 01:07:13,924
but there are some bagels
left over from yesterday.

1339
01:07:13,925 --> 01:07:15,926
And of course

1340
01:07:15,927 --> 01:07:18,529
there is more
Vienna sausage.

1341
01:07:18,530 --> 01:07:20,697
Hey! Stop!
We need to talk.

1342
01:07:20,698 --> 01:07:22,599
Okay, let me just
get my lunch.

1343
01:07:22,600 --> 01:07:24,601
- No, now. Let's talk.
- Okay okay.

1344
01:07:24,602 --> 01:07:26,336
- Do I have your attention?
- Yes.

1345
01:07:26,337 --> 01:07:29,540
All right, I'm gonna make this very
clear... you're fucking this movie.

1346
01:07:29,541 --> 01:07:31,525
I don't know what
you're talking about.

1347
01:07:31,526 --> 01:07:32,864
You know damn well
what I'm talking about.

1348
01:07:32,890 --> 01:07:33,393
No, I don't.

1349
01:07:33,394 --> 01:07:35,412
Eh! Now you're gonna
listen to me

1350
01:07:35,413 --> 01:07:37,748
because I am the producer
and I am in charge

1351
01:07:37,749 --> 01:07:39,783
or this film.
Do we understand each other?

1352
01:07:39,784 --> 01:07:41,235
- Yes.
- Do we understand each other?!

1353
01:07:41,236 --> 01:07:42,436
- Yes!
- All right.

1354
01:07:42,437 --> 01:07:44,955
You promised me tits.
I've seen no tits.

1355
01:07:44,956 --> 01:07:47,758
You promised me midgets.
You went over budget on that.

1356
01:07:47,759 --> 01:07:49,760
And I've been talking
to the writers.

1357
01:07:49,761 --> 01:07:51,896
They're complaining about
you killing the best jokes.

1358
01:07:51,897 --> 01:07:53,898
This film's coming in
under time.

1359
01:07:53,899 --> 01:07:57,401
Now wait a minute.
You wait a fucking goddamn minute!

1360
01:07:57,402 --> 01:08:00,071
I am the director!
I direct!

1361
01:08:00,072 --> 01:08:01,489
- Yeah?
- Yeah.

1362
01:08:01,490 --> 01:08:04,391
You want to make some cheap piece
of shit here, but I have a vision,

1363
01:08:04,392 --> 01:08:07,695
and that's to explore
jokes and laughter

1364
01:08:07,696 --> 01:08:10,197
and see how it shapes us
as communities.

1365
01:08:10,198 --> 01:08:13,033
You know, in a joke
there's a schism

1366
01:08:13,034 --> 01:08:15,035
between reality
and perception.

1367
01:08:15,036 --> 01:08:17,437
And if we could just
get into that schism

1368
01:08:17,438 --> 01:08:19,439
and just get in there
and crack it open

1369
01:08:19,440 --> 01:08:21,909
and really
make people laugh

1370
01:08:21,910 --> 01:08:24,244
and make them understand

1371
01:08:24,245 --> 01:08:26,380
that, you know,
we're all in this together

1372
01:08:26,381 --> 01:08:28,516
and we have to have a sense
of humor about ourselves.

1373
01:08:28,517 --> 01:08:32,252
And that's so important. If
Germans had a sense of humor,

1374
01:08:32,253 --> 01:08:34,287
maybe there wouldn't
have been a holocaust.

1375
01:08:34,288 --> 01:08:36,624
If we could bring
laughter to Darfur,

1376
01:08:36,625 --> 01:08:38,626
we could end
this horrible,

1377
01:08:38,627 --> 01:08:40,728
lamentable tragedy
that's going on there.

1378
01:08:40,729 --> 01:08:42,730
I just think
as artists

1379
01:08:42,731 --> 01:08:45,933
we need
to take our art

1380
01:08:45,934 --> 01:08:47,935
and use it
like a megaphone

1381
01:08:47,936 --> 01:08:50,037
to shine a light
on human suffering

1382
01:08:50,038 --> 01:08:53,707
and really know
that there's

1383
01:08:53,708 --> 01:08:56,309
always...

1384
01:08:56,310 --> 01:08:58,646
Hookers.

1385
01:09:01,917 --> 01:09:03,918
All right,
let's strike the set

1386
01:09:03,919 --> 01:09:07,521
and set up for the
Australian dildo accident.

1387
01:09:13,211 --> 01:09:16,063
Seems like a
lifetime has passed

1388
01:09:16,064 --> 01:09:18,065
since I was
a young boy

1389
01:09:18,066 --> 01:09:20,200
growing up
in the smoky mountains

1390
01:09:20,201 --> 01:09:22,202
of Tennessee.

1391
01:09:22,203 --> 01:09:25,739
Oh, I know I ain't
as young as I used to be,

1392
01:09:25,740 --> 01:09:28,042
but that doesn't mean
I don't enjoy

1393
01:09:28,043 --> 01:09:30,044
making time
with a lady.

1394
01:09:30,045 --> 01:09:32,980
And whenever I bring
a hot piece of ass

1395
01:09:32,981 --> 01:09:34,915
back to my place
for dinner

1396
01:09:34,916 --> 01:09:37,718
and a night
of animal lovemaking,

1397
01:09:37,719 --> 01:09:39,737
I make sure and have

1398
01:09:39,738 --> 01:09:42,756
a can of
little Vienna sausages.

1399
01:09:42,757 --> 01:09:45,492
Because little
Vienna sausages

1400
01:09:45,493 --> 01:09:48,896
are more than just
artificial gelatin

1401
01:09:48,897 --> 01:09:51,632
and leftover
cattle feces.

1402
01:09:51,633 --> 01:09:54,835
They're a mind-blowing
aphrodisiac

1403
01:09:54,836 --> 01:09:57,171
that'll give any girl

1404
01:09:57,172 --> 01:09:59,406
a little breeze
between her legs.

1405
01:09:59,407 --> 01:10:01,792
Last Friday

1406
01:10:01,793 --> 01:10:04,095
I was in the shower
with Tawni.

1407
01:10:04,096 --> 01:10:06,097
The soapy lather

1408
01:10:06,098 --> 01:10:08,565
was dripping off
her supple breasts.

1409
01:10:08,566 --> 01:10:12,736
And thanks to my
little Vienna sausages,

1410
01:10:12,737 --> 01:10:14,889
her nipples
were on fire.

1411
01:10:14,890 --> 01:10:16,907
She dropped
the soap,

1412
01:10:16,908 --> 01:10:19,377
grabbed the back
of my head and said,

1413
01:10:19,378 --> 01:10:22,246
"take a bite of peach."

1414
01:10:22,247 --> 01:10:25,683
We made love
for hours.

1415
01:10:25,684 --> 01:10:28,185
And when we woke up
in the morning...

1416
01:10:28,186 --> 01:10:30,788
well, I guess you know

1417
01:10:30,789 --> 01:10:34,075
what I made her
for breakfast.

1418
01:10:34,076 --> 01:10:36,210
Little Vienna sausages.

1419
01:10:36,211 --> 01:10:39,680
Just a little taste
of America.

1420
01:10:44,452 --> 01:10:47,888
I'm worried, doc. I think I
got my secretary pregnant.

1421
01:10:47,889 --> 01:10:49,824
It's okay.
I'm gonna give you

1422
01:10:49,825 --> 01:10:51,626
a prescription for the male
birth control pill.

1423
01:10:51,627 --> 01:10:53,193
Really?
Does it work?

1424
01:10:53,194 --> 01:10:55,011
Oh yeah, you take it
the day after

1425
01:10:55,012 --> 01:10:57,414
and it changes
your blood type.

1426
01:10:57,415 --> 01:10:59,716
Can I take it
on an empty stomach?

1427
01:10:59,717 --> 01:11:02,286
No, take it
on an empty conscience.

1428
01:11:02,287 --> 01:11:05,439
Oh, I will.

1429
01:11:05,440 --> 01:11:08,575
Would you like me
to wrap that up for you?

1430
01:11:08,576 --> 01:11:11,245
No, but I'll take
the little Vienna sausages.

1431
01:11:12,847 --> 01:11:14,781
Single, right?

1432
01:11:14,782 --> 01:11:16,166
Yeah.
How did you guess?

1433
01:11:16,167 --> 01:11:18,669
Because I wanted
little Vienna sausages?

1434
01:11:18,670 --> 01:11:21,572
No, 'cause you're
fucking ugly.

1435
01:11:29,898 --> 01:11:32,082
Why do people
from Iraq stink so bad?

1436
01:11:32,083 --> 01:11:34,468
So even blind people
could hate them.

1437
01:11:34,469 --> 01:11:37,788
What one sagging titty say
to the other sagging titty?

1438
01:11:37,789 --> 01:11:39,423
"We'd better get
some support,

1439
01:11:39,424 --> 01:11:41,775
or people are gonna start
thinking we're nuts."

1440
01:11:41,776 --> 01:11:44,328
What do you call
a lesbian dinosaur?

1441
01:11:44,329 --> 01:11:46,297
A lick-a-lotta-puss.

1442
01:11:51,853 --> 01:11:54,388
Psst, you, come here.

1443
01:11:54,389 --> 01:11:56,223
How are the racist
jokes coming?

1444
01:11:56,224 --> 01:11:58,225
They're coming good.
I'm trying to branch out,

1445
01:11:58,226 --> 01:12:00,093
- play with the form a little bit.
- How so?

1446
01:12:00,094 --> 01:12:02,663
I came up with
a racist fart joke.

1447
01:12:02,664 --> 01:12:04,531
How does it go?

1448
01:12:04,532 --> 01:12:06,734
What did George
Washington carver say

1449
01:12:06,735 --> 01:12:08,669
after he invented
pork and beans?

1450
01:12:08,670 --> 01:12:11,304
What?

1451
01:12:11,305 --> 01:12:13,106
- That's as far as I've gotten.
- Wonderful.

1452
01:12:13,107 --> 01:12:14,775
Now look, I've been
thinking about this,

1453
01:12:14,776 --> 01:12:18,545
- and we've got to have the ni... -
shh shh shh.

1454
01:12:26,054 --> 01:12:28,472
Right, thanks.

1455
01:12:28,473 --> 01:12:30,474
We've got to push the edge
of the envelope here

1456
01:12:30,475 --> 01:12:32,476
to make up for lost time.
Gotta use the n-word.

1457
01:12:32,477 --> 01:12:34,645
You want to drop the n-bomb?
Oh, I don't know.

1458
01:12:34,646 --> 01:12:36,647
This is
a dirty joke movie,

1459
01:12:36,648 --> 01:12:39,066
and that is
the ultimate dirty joke.

1460
01:12:39,067 --> 01:12:41,335
I'll see what
I can dig up.

1461
01:12:41,336 --> 01:12:43,586
Good man.

1462
01:12:43,587 --> 01:12:45,538
- All we need is one.
- Just one?

1463
01:12:45,539 --> 01:12:47,874
Just one.

1464
01:12:47,875 --> 01:12:49,777
Okay, class,
today we're gonna learn

1465
01:12:49,778 --> 01:12:52,563
about animals on the farm
and the sounds they make.

1466
01:12:52,564 --> 01:12:54,965
Who knows
what a duck says?

1467
01:12:55,934 --> 01:12:57,384
Eddie.

1468
01:12:57,385 --> 01:12:59,353
A duck says,
"quack quack."

1469
01:12:59,354 --> 01:13:01,755
Very good.

1470
01:13:01,756 --> 01:13:04,624
Who knows
what a cow says?

1471
01:13:05,977 --> 01:13:08,478
Suzy.

1472
01:13:08,479 --> 01:13:11,448
- A cow says "moo."
- Excellent.

1473
01:13:11,449 --> 01:13:15,352
Now who can tell me
what a pig says?

1474
01:13:18,006 --> 01:13:20,174
Little Johnny.

1475
01:13:20,175 --> 01:13:22,209
A pig says,

1476
01:13:22,210 --> 01:13:25,112
"get up against the wall!
Put your hands on your head,

1477
01:13:25,113 --> 01:13:26,847
you black motherfucker!"

1478
01:13:31,436 --> 01:13:33,437
- Hello.

1479
01:13:33,438 --> 01:13:35,906
Doc, this is Mr. Albertson.

1480
01:13:35,907 --> 01:13:38,509
Did you get the test
results back on my wife?

1481
01:13:38,510 --> 01:13:40,511
Yes, we did, but they're
a little unclear.

1482
01:13:40,512 --> 01:13:42,612
She either has aids
or Alzheimer's.

1483
01:13:42,613 --> 01:13:44,614
What do I do?

1484
01:13:44,615 --> 01:13:47,601
Take her out for a drive and drop
her a few Miles from the house.

1485
01:13:47,602 --> 01:13:49,970
If she comes home,
don't fuck her.

1486
01:13:53,224 --> 01:13:55,725
Oh man,
look at that goat.

1487
01:13:55,726 --> 01:13:57,261
It's stuck.

1488
01:14:00,231 --> 01:14:02,583
What are we gonna do?

1489
01:14:02,584 --> 01:14:04,585
I don't know about you,

1490
01:14:04,586 --> 01:14:06,687
but I know
what I'm gonna do.

1491
01:14:16,213 --> 01:14:18,982
Oh yeah.

1492
01:14:18,983 --> 01:14:20,384
Oh man.

1493
01:14:23,738 --> 01:14:27,574
- Want some of this action?
- Hell yeah.

1494
01:14:27,575 --> 01:14:30,010
But I ain't sticking
my head through no fence.

1495
01:14:34,199 --> 01:14:37,618
When I saw you
at the bar tonight,

1496
01:14:37,619 --> 01:14:40,554
something just
came over me.

1497
01:14:40,555 --> 01:14:44,057
- I've never been with a black man before.

1498
01:14:44,058 --> 01:14:46,059
I'm wondering

1499
01:14:46,060 --> 01:14:48,629
if it's true
what they say.

1500
01:14:48,630 --> 01:14:50,631
Oh, it's true, baby.

1501
01:14:50,632 --> 01:14:52,633
Oh, then come over here
and show me

1502
01:14:52,634 --> 01:14:55,002
what you big
black bucks do best.

1503
01:15:09,134 --> 01:15:11,434
I'm sorry, man.
I can't do this.

1504
01:15:11,435 --> 01:15:13,686
Cut!

1505
01:15:13,687 --> 01:15:16,807
All right, what's the problem?
Did you forget the blocking?

1506
01:15:16,808 --> 01:15:19,610
Blocking?
Fuck the blocking!

1507
01:15:19,611 --> 01:15:21,178
I'm not doing
this shit, man.

1508
01:15:21,179 --> 01:15:23,530
Why not?

1509
01:15:23,531 --> 01:15:25,399
This shit is demeaning
to my people.

1510
01:15:25,400 --> 01:15:27,717
Which people?
Little people or...

1511
01:15:27,718 --> 01:15:29,520
black people,
motherfucker!

1512
01:15:29,521 --> 01:15:32,289
Okay okay, we can discuss any
kind of uncomfortableness.

1513
01:15:32,290 --> 01:15:34,191
Is it the line?

1514
01:15:34,192 --> 01:15:35,992
I don't even think
you have a line there.

1515
01:15:35,993 --> 01:15:38,145
Can I see
the script, please?

1516
01:15:38,146 --> 01:15:40,113
Hello, can I get
the sides?

1517
01:15:40,114 --> 01:15:42,015
I got it.
I got it.

1518
01:15:42,016 --> 01:15:44,484
Okay, what's
the action here?

1519
01:15:44,485 --> 01:15:46,920
She says,
"then come over here

1520
01:15:46,921 --> 01:15:49,356
and show me what you big
black bucks do best."

1521
01:15:49,357 --> 01:15:51,091
And then he punches her
in the face,

1522
01:15:51,092 --> 01:15:53,210
- steals her stereo and runs away.
- Fuck that.

1523
01:15:53,211 --> 01:15:55,479
Look, I know
this is a really...

1524
01:15:55,480 --> 01:15:56,947
could you just
look at me?

1525
01:15:56,948 --> 01:15:58,682
Sir? Little...

1526
01:15:58,683 --> 01:16:00,351
I'm coming around.
I'm coming around.

1527
01:16:00,352 --> 01:16:02,419
I'm coming around.
I'm coming around!

1528
01:16:02,420 --> 01:16:05,723
I'm coming around.
I'm coming around!

1529
01:16:05,724 --> 01:16:07,825
Look, I know
it's a little edgy,

1530
01:16:07,826 --> 01:16:09,827
but that's the kind of
movie we're making here.

1531
01:16:09,828 --> 01:16:11,662
It's...
we're pushing buttons.

1532
01:16:11,663 --> 01:16:14,681
It's a very political movie.
We've got arab jokes.

1533
01:16:14,682 --> 01:16:16,550
Or course
you've got arab jokes.

1534
01:16:16,551 --> 01:16:18,218
We're at war
with the arabs.

1535
01:16:18,219 --> 01:16:20,921
Telling arab jokes is
practically a patriotic duty.

1536
01:16:20,922 --> 01:16:24,575
I'll talk
to him for five seconds.

1537
01:16:24,576 --> 01:16:26,676
Hey, what's the deal? I thought
we couldn't get any blacks

1538
01:16:26,677 --> 01:16:28,912
- to be in this movie.
- He's just a little black.

1539
01:16:28,913 --> 01:16:31,365
Right.
Wait, I thought

1540
01:16:31,366 --> 01:16:33,066
we couldn't afford
any dwarves either.

1541
01:16:33,067 --> 01:16:35,368
He's a black dwarf.
They're less than the white ones.

1542
01:16:35,369 --> 01:16:39,356
- In this day and age?
- You hate to take advantage but...

1543
01:16:39,357 --> 01:16:41,692
you know, there are still parts
of the South he can't vote.

1544
01:16:41,693 --> 01:16:43,694
Voter discrimination
is still legal?

1545
01:16:43,695 --> 01:16:46,363
No, he can't reach
the levers.

1546
01:16:46,364 --> 01:16:48,732
Okay, just give me one second,
just one second.

1547
01:16:48,733 --> 01:16:51,868
Look, we're doing
a joke movie

1548
01:16:51,869 --> 01:16:53,570
and there's no jokes

1549
01:16:53,571 --> 01:16:55,905
that people love telling
more than racist jokes.

1550
01:16:55,906 --> 01:16:58,291
I mean,
why won't Texans

1551
01:16:58,292 --> 01:17:00,461
put Mexicans
in the electric chair?

1552
01:17:01,829 --> 01:17:05,499
Because it's too hard
to put out the grease fires.

1553
01:17:09,053 --> 01:17:11,738
Yeah?
Everybody loves them.

1554
01:17:11,739 --> 01:17:13,323
Yeah, my sister
dated a Mexican.

1555
01:17:13,324 --> 01:17:14,857
They're some
greasy motherfuckers.

1556
01:17:14,858 --> 01:17:16,359
See? You get
what I'm saying?

1557
01:17:16,360 --> 01:17:18,728
Yeah, I guess so.

1558
01:17:18,729 --> 01:17:23,366
Hey, why aren't there any Puerto
Ricans on the starship enterprise?

1559
01:17:23,367 --> 01:17:25,401
Because they don't work
in the future either.

1560
01:17:29,390 --> 01:17:31,959
Wait wait wait,
I got one, I got one.

1561
01:17:31,960 --> 01:17:34,194
Ahem...
why did the Jews

1562
01:17:34,195 --> 01:17:36,196
spend 40 years
wandering in the desert?

1563
01:17:36,197 --> 01:17:38,631
They heard someone
dropped a quarter.

1564
01:17:41,686 --> 01:17:43,386
Okay, I think
that's about enough.

1565
01:17:43,387 --> 01:17:44,838
They are so cheap.

1566
01:17:44,839 --> 01:17:46,673
Oh, this is really good.
This is great.

1567
01:17:46,674 --> 01:17:50,894
What is the difference between
a park bench and a black man?

1568
01:17:50,895 --> 01:17:54,013
A park bench can support
a family of four.

1569
01:17:54,014 --> 01:17:56,283
- Oh boy.

1570
01:17:57,502 --> 01:17:59,736
This is so good.

1571
01:17:59,737 --> 01:18:02,472
What did the black kid get
for Christmas? My bike!

1572
01:18:02,473 --> 01:18:04,207
Fuck you.

1573
01:18:09,247 --> 01:18:11,215
Call me.

1574
01:18:16,070 --> 01:18:18,505
Do you have
any Aryan in you?

1575
01:18:18,506 --> 01:18:20,190
No.

1576
01:18:20,191 --> 01:18:22,158
Would you like some?

1577
01:18:24,979 --> 01:18:28,215
That kinky little bastard!

1578
01:18:30,451 --> 01:18:34,855
Look what I found
in your son's closet!

1579
01:18:37,992 --> 01:18:39,859
- Look.
- Oh sweet Jesus.

1580
01:18:39,860 --> 01:18:42,229
What are we gonna do
about it?

1581
01:18:44,198 --> 01:18:45,948
Oh, I don't know,

1582
01:18:45,949 --> 01:18:49,886
but we shouldn't
spank him.

1583
01:18:52,707 --> 01:18:56,843
Boy, you've done a fine
job working on my farm.

1584
01:18:56,844 --> 01:18:58,845
I'm gonna hate
to lose you.

1585
01:18:58,846 --> 01:19:01,130
- Oh, thank you.
- In fact, tonight

1586
01:19:01,131 --> 01:19:03,633
I'm gonna throw you
a going-away party.

1587
01:19:03,634 --> 01:19:04,801
All right.

1588
01:19:04,802 --> 01:19:06,803
I hope you can handle
your liquor,

1589
01:19:06,804 --> 01:19:09,372
'cause there's gonna be
a lot of boozing.

1590
01:19:09,373 --> 01:19:10,907
I love boozing.

1591
01:19:10,908 --> 01:19:13,076
And there might be
some fighting too.

1592
01:19:13,077 --> 01:19:14,477
I love fighting.

1593
01:19:14,478 --> 01:19:16,946
Good for you,
'cause there's gonna be

1594
01:19:16,947 --> 01:19:19,048
a whole lot
of fucking.

1595
01:19:19,049 --> 01:19:22,018
Well, I love me
some fucking.

1596
01:19:22,019 --> 01:19:24,387
What do you want me
to wear to the party?

1597
01:19:24,388 --> 01:19:25,955
I don't care.

1598
01:19:25,956 --> 01:19:28,491
Ain't gonna be
but the two of us.

1599
01:19:32,213 --> 01:19:34,414
Hey, buddy.
The wife let you out tonight?

1600
01:19:34,415 --> 01:19:37,184
No no, she volunteers two nights
a week at the tempura house.

1601
01:19:37,185 --> 01:19:40,804
Tempura house? That's that
new Sushi restaurant?

1602
01:19:40,805 --> 01:19:44,641
No no, it's a shelter
for lightly battered women.

1603
01:19:48,312 --> 01:19:49,579
Hello.

1604
01:19:49,580 --> 01:19:51,180
Hello, son.
How is it going?

1605
01:19:51,181 --> 01:19:53,683
Hiya, dad. I think I need a change.
I want to be a mortician.

1606
01:19:53,684 --> 01:19:55,685
A mortician?
Why a mortician?

1607
01:19:55,686 --> 01:19:57,253
I'm really good
with people.

1608
01:19:57,254 --> 01:19:59,239
All right, cut! Cut.

1609
01:19:59,240 --> 01:20:01,358
Hold on a second.
This was very sloppy.

1610
01:20:01,359 --> 01:20:03,493
- Are you drunk or something?
- No.

1611
01:20:03,494 --> 01:20:05,646
Are you sure?
What is the...

1612
01:20:05,647 --> 01:20:08,898
this is prop, right?
Props are...

1613
01:20:08,899 --> 01:20:11,468
this is...
this is real.

1614
01:20:11,469 --> 01:20:12,986
I'm method.

1615
01:20:12,987 --> 01:20:15,222
Yeah, so was Marlon Brando,
but he didn't get

1616
01:20:15,223 --> 01:20:17,423
blown out of his mind.
What's wrong with you?

1617
01:20:17,424 --> 01:20:18,641
He ate.

1618
01:20:18,642 --> 01:20:20,694
He got fat.
He didn't get high.

1619
01:20:20,695 --> 01:20:22,646
He could at least
remember his li...

1620
01:20:22,647 --> 01:20:24,898
what's g...
what's your name?

1621
01:20:24,899 --> 01:20:27,200
You don't even know...
he doesn't even know his name!

1622
01:20:27,201 --> 01:20:29,336
Get rid of him.

1623
01:20:29,337 --> 01:20:31,171
It just said "doctor"
in the script.

1624
01:20:31,172 --> 01:20:33,206
You're fired!

1625
01:20:53,077 --> 01:20:55,228
You got I.D.?

1626
01:21:01,185 --> 01:21:03,870
Oh, what'll it be,
Dr. Katz?

1627
01:21:03,871 --> 01:21:07,507
Martini, olives, up.
Make it dirty.

1628
01:21:19,753 --> 01:21:22,139
If you woke up in the jungle...

1629
01:21:22,140 --> 01:21:24,140
fuck you.

1630
01:21:41,125 --> 01:21:42,692
You're late.

1631
01:21:42,693 --> 01:21:44,660
I know.
I'm sorry.

1632
01:21:47,148 --> 01:21:50,666
Somebody is going to
get a spanking.

1633
01:22:00,945 --> 01:22:02,796
Hello.

1634
01:22:02,797 --> 01:22:04,814
Hello.

1635
01:22:06,634 --> 01:22:08,401
Hi, how are you?

1636
01:22:08,402 --> 01:22:11,822
Good. Are you the girl
that gives the hand jobs?

1637
01:22:13,991 --> 01:22:15,525
I sure am.

1638
01:22:15,526 --> 01:22:18,795
Wash your hands.
I want a cheese sandwich.

1639
01:22:19,880 --> 01:22:21,698
- No no no!
- Oh, calm down.

1640
01:22:21,699 --> 01:22:23,099
It's a... joke.

1641
01:22:23,100 --> 01:22:25,301
Don't say that word.

1642
01:22:25,302 --> 01:22:27,570
They'll throw us into
racist rehab or worse.

1643
01:22:27,571 --> 01:22:30,306
- For saying...?
- Yes, I've been to rehab. I know.

1644
01:22:30,307 --> 01:22:33,643
- Oh please.
- Stop it!

1645
01:22:33,644 --> 01:22:35,395
You know, I think
the kid has a point here.

1646
01:22:35,396 --> 01:22:37,397
Calling them... is
a little over the line.

1647
01:22:37,398 --> 01:22:40,766
Over the line my ass.
Why can't we call them...?

1648
01:22:40,767 --> 01:22:43,103
...Call each other...
all the time.

1649
01:22:43,104 --> 01:22:45,972
- They're allowed to call each other...
- Why can't we call them...?

1650
01:22:45,973 --> 01:22:48,575
I don't know. It's some
unwritten code or something.

1651
01:22:48,576 --> 01:22:50,226
I asked my maid
about that once.

1652
01:22:50,227 --> 01:22:51,995
Your maid is
from the Ukraine.

1653
01:22:51,996 --> 01:22:54,097
I know.
They really hate...

1654
01:22:54,098 --> 01:22:57,000
I think it's okay
to make fun of a...

1655
01:22:57,001 --> 01:22:58,969
as long as you don't
call him a...

1656
01:22:58,970 --> 01:23:01,004
That doesn't make
one bit of sense.

1657
01:23:01,005 --> 01:23:03,390
- I don't make the rules.
- Well, who does make the rules?

1658
01:23:03,391 --> 01:23:06,125
I mean, can a spic
call a... a...?

1659
01:23:06,126 --> 01:23:07,794
Can a...
call a spic a spic?

1660
01:23:07,795 --> 01:23:10,397
Depends on who's
holding the knife.

1661
01:23:10,398 --> 01:23:12,999
Look look look, guys.
I don't know about you,

1662
01:23:13,000 --> 01:23:16,603
but I am not having
that word in my movie.

1663
01:23:16,604 --> 01:23:17,787
Oh really?
Why not?

1664
01:23:17,788 --> 01:23:19,372
- Why not?
- Yeah, why not?

1665
01:23:19,373 --> 01:23:20,507
I'm gonna tell you
why not.

1666
01:23:20,508 --> 01:23:22,642
How many black people
do you see in this room?

1667
01:23:22,643 --> 01:23:25,177
Is Tupac in this room?
Is biggie in this room?

1668
01:23:25,178 --> 01:23:27,397
They're dead.

1669
01:23:32,419 --> 01:23:33,920
Eh.

1670
01:23:33,921 --> 01:23:36,155
That's not...
my point is

1671
01:23:36,156 --> 01:23:38,858
we are not black. If any of us
were black, we could say it.

1672
01:23:38,859 --> 01:23:40,326
But we're not,
so we can't.

1673
01:23:40,327 --> 01:23:42,128
Look, if you say "black
person" too many times,

1674
01:23:42,129 --> 01:23:44,130
people will just think
you're too scared to say...

1675
01:23:44,131 --> 01:23:45,682
I am afraid to say...

1676
01:23:45,683 --> 01:23:47,316
You son of a bitch.

1677
01:23:47,317 --> 01:23:50,236
Maybe there's some half-offensive
term we could use,

1678
01:23:50,237 --> 01:23:53,556
something somewhere in between
"black person" and...

1679
01:23:53,557 --> 01:23:55,425
- "African-American."
- Thank you, sweetie.

1680
01:23:55,426 --> 01:23:57,427
Did you know if you mouth
the word "snicker,"

1681
01:23:57,428 --> 01:24:00,680
it looks just like
you're saying the word...?

1682
01:24:00,681 --> 01:24:05,318
- What good does that do us?
- All right, look, guys,

1683
01:24:05,319 --> 01:24:08,404
we need a... joke.

1684
01:24:08,405 --> 01:24:10,273
He is right!

1685
01:24:10,274 --> 01:24:13,576
He's right! You know where
this company went wrong?

1686
01:24:13,577 --> 01:24:16,913
You know where all of
American comedy went wrong?

1687
01:24:16,914 --> 01:24:18,998
When we started
pandering,

1688
01:24:18,999 --> 01:24:21,000
going for those
cheap laughs

1689
01:24:21,001 --> 01:24:24,504
with the warmed-over,
politically-correct bullshit.

1690
01:24:24,505 --> 01:24:27,274
Our comedy used
to have teeth.

1691
01:24:27,275 --> 01:24:30,026
It used to
have balls!

1692
01:24:30,027 --> 01:24:33,263
And now everyone's
so afraid

1693
01:24:33,264 --> 01:24:35,849
of stepping on toes,
of saying the wrong thing.

1694
01:24:35,850 --> 01:24:38,701
- Well, fuck it! We do it all.

1695
01:24:38,702 --> 01:24:40,469
Why did the faggot
cross the road?

1696
01:24:40,470 --> 01:24:43,122
How many dagos
to screw in a light bulb?

1697
01:24:43,123 --> 01:24:46,359
We're gonna get the krauts,
the frogs, the kikes.

1698
01:24:46,360 --> 01:24:47,694
Micks, camel jockeys.

1699
01:24:47,695 --> 01:24:49,612
The Macacas,
the wetbacks.

1700
01:24:49,613 --> 01:24:51,648
- Ali Babas.
- Bone smugglers.

1701
01:24:51,649 --> 01:24:54,050
- Snow monkeys.
- Pencil-dick honkeys.

1702
01:24:54,051 --> 01:24:55,585
- Cripples.
- Trannies.

1703
01:24:55,586 --> 01:24:57,670
- Harelips.
- Burn victims.

1704
01:24:59,924 --> 01:25:02,242
Yes.

1705
01:25:02,243 --> 01:25:04,644
We are going to
make fun of people

1706
01:25:04,645 --> 01:25:08,581
using some of the greatest
jokes ever told.

1707
01:25:08,582 --> 01:25:10,433
And this movie...

1708
01:25:11,869 --> 01:25:14,638
this movie will
go down in history

1709
01:25:14,639 --> 01:25:17,524
as one of the greatest
comedies

1710
01:25:17,525 --> 01:25:21,010
the earth
has ever known.

1711
01:25:23,597 --> 01:25:25,631
You've been
found guilty.

1712
01:25:25,632 --> 01:25:27,633
Your movie is
a hate crime.

1713
01:25:27,634 --> 01:25:29,485
Yay!

1714
01:25:29,486 --> 01:25:32,088
Quiet in the court.

1715
01:25:32,089 --> 01:25:33,957
Are you sending us
to racist rehab?

1716
01:25:33,958 --> 01:25:35,375
Rehabs are
for pussies.

1717
01:25:35,376 --> 01:25:38,128
- Where's our fucking lawyer?
- Quiet in the court.

1718
01:25:38,129 --> 01:25:39,829
- Don't tell me to be quiet.
- It'll get worse.

1719
01:25:39,830 --> 01:25:41,297
- Don't tell me to be quiet.
- Shut up.

1720
01:25:41,298 --> 01:25:43,750
Your fucking movie
is a disgrace.

1721
01:25:43,751 --> 01:25:46,086
- Your honor, I resent that remark.
- The movie is filthy,

1722
01:25:46,087 --> 01:25:48,588
- nasty, class "a" dirty.
- Fine.

1723
01:25:48,589 --> 01:25:51,174
You should be ashamed of
yourself making fun of midgets,

1724
01:25:51,175 --> 01:25:55,161
black people,
crippled people,

1725
01:25:55,162 --> 01:25:58,048
- burned people, Jewish people.
- Your honor, if I may correct you,

1726
01:25:58,049 --> 01:26:00,817
- there was no burn victim, for the record.
- There was no burn victim.

1727
01:26:00,818 --> 01:26:03,052
Quiet. Somebody shut
those two crackers up.

1728
01:26:03,053 --> 01:26:04,503
Hey, I heard that.

1729
01:26:04,504 --> 01:26:07,106
- Your honor, I object...
- Quiet. Quiet.

1730
01:26:07,107 --> 01:26:10,327
- Your ho... can I...
- Quiet. Quiet.

1731
01:26:10,328 --> 01:26:13,529
You're now sentenced
for 25 years in prison.

1732
01:26:13,530 --> 01:26:16,666
- 25 years?
- I figured, the worst... seven to 10.

1733
01:26:16,667 --> 01:26:19,135
- That's gonna hurt.
- Please, you can't send me to prison.

1734
01:26:19,136 --> 01:26:21,137
- Sit down, boy.
- I haven't done anything wrong.

1735
01:26:21,138 --> 01:26:22,839
I've got lots of
black friends, I swear.

1736
01:26:22,840 --> 01:26:24,657
Name one.

1737
01:26:24,658 --> 01:26:26,709
He's in Vancouver.

1738
01:26:28,128 --> 01:26:31,997
I... I... I volunteer
at soup kitchens.

1739
01:26:31,998 --> 01:26:34,750
You've only seen the bad evidence.
You've only seen the bad evidence.

1740
01:26:34,751 --> 01:26:38,120
Just watch this last scene.
Just watch this last scene.

1741
01:26:38,121 --> 01:26:41,107
Watch it and you'll see
what I was trying to do.

1742
01:26:41,108 --> 01:26:43,810
You'll see
that I'm an artist.

1743
01:26:43,811 --> 01:26:44,711
Please!

1744
01:26:44,712 --> 01:26:46,445
This poor cracker's
going crazy.

1745
01:26:46,446 --> 01:26:49,566
Don't send me to 25 years
in prison, please!

1746
01:26:49,567 --> 01:26:52,952
Please! Please.

1747
01:26:52,953 --> 01:26:55,288
You must be the man
from the government.

1748
01:26:55,289 --> 01:26:57,439
I heard you was
comin' down.

1749
01:26:57,440 --> 01:26:59,025
Yes, sir.

1750
01:26:59,026 --> 01:27:01,627
We're down here in Mississippi
investigating a disappearance

1751
01:27:01,628 --> 01:27:03,997
of a busload of black
gospel singers from Detroit.

1752
01:27:03,998 --> 01:27:06,850
Yep yep, they came
through here all right,

1753
01:27:06,851 --> 01:27:08,751
about a week back.

1754
01:27:08,752 --> 01:27:11,638
There was
a hailstorm... bad.

1755
01:27:11,639 --> 01:27:13,873
They lost control
of their vehicle,

1756
01:27:13,874 --> 01:27:17,343
plunged over the guard rail,
went down the embankment

1757
01:27:17,344 --> 01:27:19,679
and crashed down
at the bottom of the gulley.

1758
01:27:19,680 --> 01:27:22,649
It was terrible...
bodies everywhere.

1759
01:27:22,650 --> 01:27:25,785
- Oh my God.
- Well, you said it.

1760
01:27:25,786 --> 01:27:27,787
We couldn't handle
that kind of accident,

1761
01:27:27,788 --> 01:27:29,489
not with our
little mortuary,

1762
01:27:29,490 --> 01:27:31,358
so we had a minister
come on up

1763
01:27:31,359 --> 01:27:34,194
and say some words
and bless the bodies,

1764
01:27:34,195 --> 01:27:36,463
and we buried them
right there on the spot.

1765
01:27:36,464 --> 01:27:40,233
- That's just terrible.
- Oh, indeed it was.

1766
01:27:40,234 --> 01:27:42,868
It's unbelievable.
And you say they're all dead?

1767
01:27:42,869 --> 01:27:45,571
Well, you know, some of
them said they wasn't,

1768
01:27:45,572 --> 01:27:48,140
but you know
how... lie.

1769
01:27:51,078 --> 01:27:53,462
I should kick
all three of your butts.

1770
01:27:58,452 --> 01:28:01,938
Okay, 25 years is fair.

1771
01:28:03,857 --> 01:28:05,941
<i>♪ And the home ♪</i>

1772
01:28:05,942 --> 01:28:11,214
<i>♪ of the brave. ♪</i>

1773
01:28:11,215 --> 01:28:13,233
this movie is bullshit.

1774
01:28:14,635 --> 01:28:17,303
<i>♪ bom bom bom ♪</i>

1775
01:28:17,304 --> 01:28:21,207
<i>♪ dip-dip
Dee bom bom bom ♪</i>

1776
01:28:21,208 --> 01:28:24,944
<i>♪ dip-dip Dee
bom bom bom ♪</i>

1777
01:28:24,945 --> 01:28:26,712
<i>♪ dip-dip Dee bom ♪</i>

1778
01:28:26,713 --> 01:28:29,015
<i>♪ wah wah wah ooh ♪</i>

1779
01:28:29,016 --> 01:28:32,385
<i>♪ bom bom bom ♪</i>

1780
01:28:32,386 --> 01:28:35,638
<i>♪ dip-dip
Dee bom bom bom ♪</i>

1781
01:28:35,639 --> 01:28:39,275
<i>♪ dip-dip Dee
bom bom bom ♪</i>

1782
01:28:39,276 --> 01:28:41,294
<i>♪ dip-dip Dee bom ♪</i>

1783
01:28:41,295 --> 01:28:44,163
<i>♪ wah wah wah ooh ♪</i>

1784
01:28:44,164 --> 01:28:46,832
<i>♪ bom bom bom ♪</i>

1785
01:28:46,833 --> 01:28:50,936
<i>♪ dip-dip
Dee bom bom bom... ♪</i>

1786
01:28:52,706 --> 01:28:55,474
You want to make some
cheap piece of shit here?

1787
01:28:55,475 --> 01:28:56,810
Well, I have a vision.

1788
01:28:56,811 --> 01:28:59,478
And that vision is

1789
01:28:59,479 --> 01:29:03,316
since I didn't get
a guest shot on "oz,"

1790
01:29:03,317 --> 01:29:06,452
- I'm taking my piece now!
- Oh God.

1791
01:29:06,453 --> 01:29:08,588
Do you want to see this
or the hot chicks?

1792
01:29:08,589 --> 01:29:10,790
I think this could be
much hotter.

1793
01:29:10,791 --> 01:29:12,826
Actors are whores.

1794
01:29:12,827 --> 01:29:16,229
That's the principal
foundation of this business.

1795
01:29:16,230 --> 01:29:18,231
You know, years ago

1796
01:29:18,232 --> 01:29:20,934
I got an actor
in Nashville to come...

1797
01:29:20,935 --> 01:29:22,568
oh shit.

1798
01:29:25,405 --> 01:29:28,507
In Nashville once I got an actor
to jerk off on an oatmeal c...

1799
01:29:28,508 --> 01:29:30,476
oh shit, I'm sorry.

1800
01:29:30,477 --> 01:29:32,678
Here, take this.

1801
01:29:32,679 --> 01:29:34,614
- How's your mother?
- They had to amputate.

1802
01:29:34,615 --> 01:29:38,084
Oh, too bad.
S...

1803
01:29:38,085 --> 01:29:42,521
I've gotta act.
I've got a job.

1804
01:29:42,522 --> 01:29:44,773
Hey, Mario, what's that...

1805
01:29:44,774 --> 01:29:46,775
I'm done.

1806
01:29:46,776 --> 01:29:48,777
Oh God, that's the problem with you...

1807
01:29:48,778 --> 01:29:50,513
- Sorry, I got... I'm sorry.
- I hit you.

1808
01:29:50,514 --> 01:29:53,082
I got hit right
in the face. Sorry.

1809
01:29:53,083 --> 01:29:54,283
I'm done.

1810
01:29:54,284 --> 01:29:56,285
See, that's the problem
with you...

1811
01:29:56,286 --> 01:29:57,953
And with...

1812
01:29:57,954 --> 01:30:00,456
God damn it!

1813
01:30:05,529 --> 01:30:08,197
Pencil-dick honkeys.

1814
01:30:11,101 --> 01:30:13,436
Dick Cheney.

1815
01:30:13,437 --> 01:30:15,238
- You gotta keep him up.
- Oh, sorry sorry.

1816
01:30:25,432 --> 01:30:28,968
Hello, we're from the church of
Jesus Christ of latter day saints.

1817
01:30:28,969 --> 01:30:30,853
- The mormons.
- Are your parents home?

1818
01:30:30,854 --> 01:30:33,189
What the fuck
do you think?

1819
01:30:37,711 --> 01:30:39,545
- Cut.

1820
01:30:43,316 --> 01:30:45,618
Holy shit.

1821
01:30:45,619 --> 01:30:48,237
Well, that's our movie
for tonight.

1822
01:30:48,238 --> 01:30:50,306
Hope you enjoyed it
and come back and see

1823
01:30:50,307 --> 01:30:53,342
"DIRTY MOVIE 2:
Whitey's revenge."

1824
01:30:54,544 --> 01:30:56,846
Stop.

1825
01:30:56,847 --> 01:30:58,514
You're giving me
a headache.

1826
01:30:58,515 --> 01:31:00,483
Time for dinner.

1827
01:31:05,038 --> 01:31:06,973
<i>♪ Dip-dip Dee bom ♪</i>

1828
01:31:06,974 --> 01:31:10,009
<i>♪ wah wah wah ooh. ♪</i>

1829
01:31:10,010 --> 01:31:14,814
do you want me to
turn my head and cough?

1830
01:31:14,815 --> 01:31:16,866
Man, that'd be
kind of hot.